Chris Pas­coe’s Fun Tales

A visit to his par­ents left Chris shak­ing his head in won­der…

My Weekly - - Contents - Chris Pas­coe’s Fun Tales

Reg­u­lar read­ers will know that I fin­ished last week on a cliffhanger. OK, as cliffhang­ers go, it wasn’t ex­actly up to your Stephen King sus­pense stan­dards, the set­ting be­ing me at my mum’s hav­ing a cup of tea. I’ll quote my mum’s words:

“Oh, I was mean­ing to tell you, I’ve ac­ci­den­tally been feed­ing a gi­ant rat for the last two months.”

With that, my dad shook his head gravely and re­turned to his daily task of com­pletely fail­ing to fin­ish his news­pa­per’s cryp­tic cross­word. I think the main prob­lem is his point blank re­fusal to be­lieve that cryp­tic clues re­ally are cryp­tic.

Any­way, how did Mum come to be pro­vid­ing reg­u­lar meals for a gi­ant rat?

“I thought he was a hedge­hog,” she ex­plained. “He def­i­nitely used to be a hedge­hog.”

My head spin­ning, as it usu­ally is af­ter a ten minute con­ver­sa­tion with my par­ents, I asked how on earth this rat could have started life as a hedge­hog.

“Don’t be so silly Christo­pher,” she ad­mon­ished. (I’m only called “Christo­pher” when I say some­thing ex­tremely stupid…)

“There was a hedge­hog, and I was feed­ing him, but he’s moved on and I thought it was strange how much more he’s been eat­ing lately, then the other day I looked out in the early hours, and there was a rat the size of a don­key eat­ing his food.” “A don­key?” “A dog.” “Re­ally? As big as a dog?” “Well, a very small dog any­way; big­ger than a Teacup Chi­huahua.”

“What’s a Teacup Chi­huahua?” I asked.

“It doesn’t mat­ter – what mat­ters is that I’ve been feed­ing a gi­ant rat for two months and I don’t know how to stop.”

I sug­gested that the sim­plest way to stop would be to not put food out, im­me­di­ately caus­ing my name to re­vert to Christo­pher.

“I thought I’d go and see Mrs Turn­bull at num­ber 15 about it.”

Mrs Turn­bull, the el­derly ex-hab­er­dasher ten doors down? What? Why would she go and see an ex-hab­er­dasher about a rat? I felt my head be­gin to spin again.

“Why?” I squeaked, find­ing it hard to push the word out.

“Well, she’s been hav­ing prob­lems with rats for a long time. I thought it might be one of hers.”

“Mum, you can’t just re­turn peo­ple’s rats.”

“That’s what I’ve been try­ing to tell her all week, boy, but she won’t lis­ten.”

With that Mum left the room with a “huff”, pre­sum­ably to put out some rat food.

“Vice – it’s first rate in the desert,” said Dad.

“You what?” I said, start­ing to be­lieve I’d some­how en­tered the twi­light zone. “Five let­ters?” “Ah, right,” I sighed, “the cross­word… hmm, ah, I know, it’s Si­nai.”

“Si­nai? How do you get that? It’s got to be whore, hasn’t it?”

You see what I mean?

Out now! Our first ever Fun Tales Col­lec­tion! The World’s Daf test Rab­bit & Other Sto­ries is avail­able exclusively from WWW.DC­THOM­SON­SHOP.CO.UK for just £7.99.

“I’ve ac­ci­den­tally been feed­ing a gi­ant rat for two months”

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