Chris Pas­coe’s Fun Tales

Chris tunes in to Ra­dio Ran­dom and finds the world turned up­side down

My Weekly - - Contents - Chris Pas­coe’s Fun Tales

Italked about a spec­tac­u­larly in­ept ten min­utes of broad­cast­ing by a re­gional ra­dio sta­tion the other week. Well, I was out that way again over the week­end, and so tuned in to the same show. It hasn’t changed much! Please note that I’ve changed the names of the lo­cal or­gan­i­sa­tions con­cerned to pro­tect the guilty party.

“Well, Gary Bar­low will be pop­ping in for a chat later… no, wait, what’s that? Ah sorry, I’m be­ing told we’ll just be play­ing one of his songs, and Gary Bar­low won’t be pop­ping in at all. In­stead we’ll be chat­ting with some­one who’s ac­tu­ally in­ter­est­ing and not just a celebrity.” There was then a long pause as he re­alised what he’d just said. “Sorry, sorry, ab­so­lutely no of­fence to Gary Bar­low in­tended there. Also, we’re fo­cus­ing on men­tal ill­ness this morn­ing so we’ll be talk­ing to South­town Coun­cil.”

Why on earth did he just say that about South town Coun­cil? I thought. Maybe be­cause of the new road lay­out? I could only guess.

A lit­tle later, when he in­tro­duced a mem­ber of an or­gan­i­sa­tion named South­town Coun­sel­lors, it all sud­denly made sense. Un­like the new road lay­out.

The strange thing was that when he did even­tu­ally get talk­ing to the coun­sel­lor, he

The DJ liked to read out un usual facts and dis­agree with them

didn’t ask him about men­tal ill­ness, but in­stead told him what he’d been watch­ing on TV. The bit that re­ally had me lis­ten­ing was: “I watched True Grit again last night. What a great movie that is. My best bit’s when the lit­tle girl shouts ‘STAND UP VINCE CA­BLE,’ then shoots him. I al­ways think though, why get him to go through the bother of stand­ing up if you’re go­ing to put him straight back down again? No wait, ac­tu­ally, he falls back­wards off a cliff when she shoots him, so it was worth his while get­ting up.”

The coun­sel­lor didn’t seem to have much of an opin­ion on any of this, but I’m pretty sure he’d have been mak­ing notes to dis­cuss with his col­leagues later.

It was then that I sud­denly thought… standup Vince Ca­ble. Vince Ca­ble? Why did the lit­tle girl in TrueGrit want to go shoot­ing Vince Ca­ble?

I im­me­di­ately Googled the scene, and hap­pily what she ac­tu­ally shouted was “STAND UP TOM CHEYNEY”. So she shot a mem­ber of a no­to­ri­ous out­law gang, not the leader of the Lib Dems.

All went rea­son­ably well for the rest of the show, although the DJ had a habit of ran­domly read­ing out un­usual facts then ve­he­mently dis­agree­ing with them. Fi­nally he stum­bled on the gem “Ten per cent of peo­ple in this coun­try think Aus­tralia is fur­ther away than the moon.” There fol­lowed a long pause be­fore he mut­tered, ‘That’s a use­less fact – it doesn’t even tell you which one’s the right an­swer.”

I’m hop­ing he was jok­ing… he must’ve been, but he fin­ished by sug­gest­ing that, if we were busy with the house­work, we might like to “sing along with the next song.” He then played a 7-minute in­stru­men­tal.

Out now! Our first ever FunTales Col­lec­tion!The World’sDaftest Rab­bit&Other Sto­ries is avail­able ex­clu­sively from WWW.DCTHOMSONSHOP. CO.UK for just £7.99.

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