She’s Behind You!

It’s not all bad, being the back end of a pantomime cow…

It’s Christmas Eve and I’m not exactly full of the joys of the season. Yet up to now I’ve been thrilled with my part as a “hiring maid” in our amateur panto, Jackand theBeanstalk. I’m no Judi Dench, but with two lines to spout I was dead chuffed.

Then, after four shows Graham, the producer, gets this wacky idea of adding an extra performance tonight – Christmas Eve. Everyone clamoured for it, but it means I’ve had to cancel my trip to my parents up north. Well, the show must go on and all that.

Then, this morning, Graham rang with another bombshell.

“Jane’s not well, Katie,” he declared. “You’ll need to step in as Fanny’s other half!” “No way – ““But you’ll make a great cow!” Thanksalot, I think now as I wait to go on stage as Fanny the cow’s backside, crouching behind Josh in this hot, claustrophobic outfit. Apparently, Josh – the front end and new to the company – tried to persuade his girlfriend, Dee, to bring up the rear, but she flatly refused. Can you blame her?

Two hours’ rehearsal is all I’ve had, with Josh in cowboy mode, yelling and prodding. Once I even mooed back.

Oh! Sudden movement from the front jerks me forward and we are on stage. I hear raucous cheering from the kiddies.

“Right, I’m off to market, Mum!” a female voice calls. From the safety of Fanny’s torso, I smile. Patsy Grant – fifty if she’s a day and playing Jack – is making the most of her star part. Good on her!

It’s the dancing that floors me, literally. Tricky doesn’t cover it. Peering through small holes under Fanny’s belly, I try to follow Josh’s feet.

One of my kicks goes a tad wild and, trying to keep my balance, I land heavily on my – well, Fanny’s – bottom. Josh can do nothing but follow. Fanny must look ludicrous, all higgledy-piggledy, her comical udders spread far and wide.

Hysterical laughter radiates from the audience. Oh dear, this was meant to be a poignant scene. Graham will not be pleased! Somehow, we scramble up and Josh leads me off stage.

I’m so sorry!” I gasp in the wings, as I struggle out of Fanny’s rear end. I am, in every sense, a stupid cow.

I close my eyes and think about tomorrow. Microwaved turkey in front of the gas fire in my little flat… alone. I feel ten times worse.

“You did well, Katie,” Josh says. I blink in surprise. “Are your family here?” I explain, then ask about his. “I’ve no one close. Every Christmas I help run the meals for the homeless,” he says. “I love it.”

Back on stage, I actually get the moves right, swaying to JingleBells as I cling to Josh’s comfortingly wide waist. But the audience is a bit subdued. I spot Graham gesturing from the wings.

“He wants us to fall over again!” Josh hisses. “OK?”

Well, I can do that all right! We do another expert sprawl and the laughter spreads. I feel great – I’m making people laugh! Their joy is catching: a tonic to help me through Christmas. Then I have an idea.

At the finale, extra curtain calls could be due to our ancient curtain sticking, but the applause is wonderful. Pure magic! Backstage we congratulate each other and I put my idea to Josh.

“D’you need another volunteer tomorrow? I’d love to help you and Dee.”

“Great! You’ll be very welcome. Dee won’t be there, though – we parted company.” “Oh, I’m sorry!” He shrugs. “My lifestyle didn’t exactly match hers.”

For the first time, I am aware of his warm smile. Well, I’ve been too preoccupied with cuddling his rear end.

Later, at home, I’m exhausted, yet exhilarated. The phone rings; it’s Mum.

“We thought about driving down on Boxing Day… is that OK?”

OK indeed! Perhaps Josh might like to join us? Optimism is my middle name. Well, it is Christmas…