Chris Pascoe’s Fun Tales
Chris and modern technology? You just know it’s going to end in disaster…
Now we’re safely through the festivities, I’ve finally found time to try out my Christmas present from my parents which is the most amazing thing I’ve ever received. My parents being front-runners in modern technology, in much the same way a three-toed sloth is, bought us an Amazon Echo, otherwise known as “Alexa”.
For those who aren’t aware Alexa, she’s a device that can tell you virtually anything. All you need do is say “Alexa”, and the little box lights up. Then you make a request, and a charming female voice grants it. For example, “Alexa, what’s today’s weather?” and Alexa tells you instantly.
While this is astounding stuff, putting this power in the hands of our household was always going to be dangerous, especially when my daughter Maya discovered a code-phrase to make Alexa repeat anything she wanted her to. Maya used this knowledge to attempt to drive me insane. What else would she do?
Consequently, with Maya upstairs controlling Alexa via a remote control, and me making coffee downstairs, Alexa lit up unexpectedly and said, “I’ll kill you.”
Slopping milk, I turned in surprise. “Sorry?” I said, thinking I was hearing things. “You heard me Chris.” “How do you know my name?” I stuttered. “I’m going to kill you.” Totally confused, I began backing out of the door,
Maya’s sudden raucous laughter from the top of the stairs told me I’d been pranked. The sudden realisation that I was being videoed by Maya’s phone, sitting innocently in the kitchen, told me I’d also soon be featuring on YouTube.
A desperate lunge for her phone in an attempt to delete the incriminating video was accompanied by Maya’s thunderous approaching footsteps. A scuffle ensued, witnessed by our rabbits, Billie and Ted, from their cage – one of whom was massively interested, while the other fell over. Can you guess which was which?
Alerted by Maya’s screams of “Give me my phone back!” my wife Lorraine rushed into the room to find me hunched against the rabbit cage while Maya rained punches on my back and Billie bit my nose.
“What’s going on? Stop, Chris!” yelled Lorraine, unfairly in my opinion, given the fact it was me getting battered and rabbit-mauled.
“I can’t,” I shouted back, “Alexa said she’s going to kill me and Maya has it on video.”
The room fell silent. So silent we heard Ted snoring.
“What?” said Lorraine, her voice a resigned whisper.
Maya suddenly grabbed her phone and deleted the video evidence.
“He keeps saying things like that Mummy,” she muttered as she left the room, “He should be sectioned.”
For anyone else, Alexa enriches their life. I get death threats and a suggestion I be locked up for public safety. Happy New Year, everyone!
It was suggestedthat I be locked up for public safety