Ask Helen
Celebrity agony aunt Helen Lederer gives you her heartfelt advice every week
My Boys Won’t Speak To Each Other
It’s my birthday soon and once again I will be having a lunch with one grownup son and then a meal at night with the other one. They fell out years ago – I don’t really know why – and since then simply refused to have anything to do with each other. It’s so awkward for me as their mum because I would just love for us all to sit down together. Do you think there is anything I can do, after all this time, to make them be civil to each other for my sake?
You can pick your friends but not your family. It’s true that many families experience this type of falling-out – where siblings have a row and, sadly, are unable to reach a resolution. This is always a shame as we only have one family.
How confident do you feel about tackling this? You appear vague about the reason for this brotherly falling out. I think it’s time for you to try to get to the bottom of this. If there’s no change, at least you will have made your feelings
known and your sons will be able to reflect upon your view. Invite each of them to visit you and, after a general catch-up, broach the subject of the split.
Say you love each of them very much but their falling-out is affecting your life. By telling each son that the one way to solve this would be to all meet up – you are making it easier for them to bury the hatchet and respond to a definite plan.
If their issues are too big to put aside then you may have to accept that it will never happen. You could try asking them how they might behave at your funeral? Without being too “dark”, you could point out that funerals are often occasions where people put the past behind them. But why wait? They should know their feud upsets you – and by being reminded of how precious family time is, they might meet in the middle. Worth a try?
By speaking to each of them you are making it easier for them to bury the hatchet