Chris Pascoe’s Fun Tales

Just for once Chris’s misfortunes were not at the hands of an evil cat…

Itarred and feathered myself recently. Well, sort of. It was certainly along those lines. This wasn’t a result of any belligerent outrage at my own antics, the usual reason for this type of barbaric punishment, but simply because my antics were incredibly stupid.

I’ve been looking after a lovely but slightly violent Bengal cat named Nikita Jones. I’d been assaulted by Nikita once in the past – a sudden flying attack from behind sending me sprawling hands first into a litter tray. But on this occasion, Nikita’s malicious streak played no part in my downfall.

In fact she was having great fun at the time, because as well as looking after her, my duties included the daily topping up of a fishpond which had a very slow leak, and anyone who knows Bengals will know how they love water! An unusual thing for a feline to love but it’s apparently in their genes; being close relatives of Asian Leopard Cats, a wild breed who splash around in streams hunting for fish.

So, as I filled the pond, using my thumb to create a fine spray, Nikita Jones danced happily around, jumping at individual drops and attempting to catch them in her paws. I think it was the wonderful sight of this incredibly beautiful cat having so much fun that caused me to momentarily move my thumb way too far over the hose’s nozzle. The effect of this error was a huge backwards spurt of freezing cold water that hit me full blast in the face, causing me to make matters even worse by then turning the hose on my T-shirt. Within a few short seconds, I’d completely drenched myself. Nikita jumped happily into the stream of the dropped hose, totally oblivious to my plight.

In view of the situation, I decided the pond had received enough water for one day, and my best bet would be to quickly fulfill my last task and get back into the house. This task was the filling of a large pole-top bird feeder. Hoisting the seed above my head, I managed to completely miss the feeder, and poured 5kgs of mixed seed and nuts straight over my soaking wet head. The tar and feathering was complete – every inch of my face and upper body was plastered in seed. Taking off my glasses to enable at least a degree of vision, I staggered back toward the house.

Why, oh why, couldn’t I have reached the back door without being spotted? A neighbour’s face appeared at an upstairs window, instantly twisting into an expression of shock at the barely human apparition that was me staring back at her.

So, for the second time in just a few weeks, I’d managed to terrify the locals. I’m not at all sure what she thought she saw that day… The Creature from the Black Lagoon (or Fish Pond) maybe? Whatever she thought, I have a feeling I may be the stuff of stormynight-fireside-stories for generations to come.

Amazing what can be achieved, given the right levels of incompetence.

I’d been assaulted by this lovely Bengal cat more than once

Chris Pascoe is the author of ACatCalledBirmingham and YouCanTaketheCat OutofSlough, and of Your Cat magazine’s column Confessions of a Cat Sitter.