Chris Pascoe’s Fun Tales
Chris has no trouble looking after cats – it’s the humans who cause problems...
Every now and then, through my ability to make any given problem much worse, I get myself into situations that border on ridiculous.
In fact, they go over that border by quite some way and wander around in the fields of absurdity. I mention this only because I’ve been there this morning.
Upon arriving for a first visit at a catsitting customer named Mary’s house, and having made small-talk with the resident feline while preparing his meal (actually, me small-talking, him shouting at me), there was a knock at the door.
The strange thing was, it was at the back door, which led only to an inaccessible garden. At least, I thought it was inaccessible… but the old chap from next door had walked straight through the hedge.
“Morning!” he boomed, “I’m Alf from number three. I was looking out my bedroom window this morning and I noticed Mary’s patio door isn’t shut properly.”
With that, he put his hand on my shoulder and led me, or rather frog-marched me, to the offending door. It was indeed slightly open, and I attempted to slide it shut.
“No, no, no,” he shouted (why did everyone in this house shout, cat included?), “I tried that from the outside, it won’t budge.”
After a lot of experimenting it became clear it was impossible to either slide the door fully shut or open it any wider than six inches.
We finally decided to phone Mary. It was here that things went badly wrong...
Me: Hi, Mary, I’m having a problem shutting your patio door, it won’t…
Mary: I know about that – is it in the locked position though? It’s fine if there’s a gap because…
Alf (booming from behind me): A fat lot of good that is!
Mary: Sorry, Chris? Can you just let me finish my sentence…
Alf: If you can’t shut it, it’s not a door!
Mary: Look, could you please just let me speak?!
Alf (laughing): Bloody rubbish door! Mary: Chris! Just listen! I appeared to be taking part in an ever more heated argument with my customer, even though I hadn’t actually said anything.
Me (to Alf but unfortunately straight into the phone): Can you just be quiet, please!
Mary: I BEG YOUR PARDON?!
You see… I’d managed to make things even worse. My redemption came in the form of a shouting elderly man.
Alf: Don’t you tell ME to be quiet, young man!
Mary: Is there somebody there with you, Chris? Is that Alf from next door?
Phew. Thrown into trouble and rescued by the same man. Alf wasn’t finished though.
“Are you the lad who looked after Mary’s cats last year?” he asked, squinting suspiciously at me. “The one who ran off with my gnome?”
“Yes, I am,” I replied, before fully registering his second question. “What? No, I mean, yes, but I didn’t take a gnome!”
“Hmm,” he muttered, and with that, he was gone.
Chris Pascoe, abusive catsitter and international gnome thief, signing off.
Chris Pascoe is the author of A Cat Called Birmingham and You Can Take the Cat Out of Slough, and of Your Cat magazine’s column Confessions of a Cat Sitter.