Ask Helen
Celebrity agony aunt Helen Lederer gives you her heartfelt advice every week
She’s In Love With A Dodgy Character
My good friend has met a man whom she thinks she is in love with. They are both in their 60s and have been married before. I would hate for her to think that I’m jealous, but everyone I have spoken to about him tells me that this man is bad news. I think, deep down, she knows this herself, but is simply enjoying the romance. How can I protect my friend and save her from having her heart broken?
We can all fall in love at any time – the excitement, fun, companionship, that spark that makes us all live in a more intense way and “feel the sun” again. Some of us even lose weight! If this is the case for your friend, there would be little to be gained from telling her the man is no good. I suspect she is in no state to hear anything against the one she loves; beware anyone who tries!
I suggest the clever way forward would be to embrace the news and get to meet
him. See how they are together. Find out about him and his family; where are they? What is the level of his involvement with your friend? As her friend, he must expect you to ask. If he runs away or will not allow it, you have your answer – and the penny might drop for your friend as well.
But you can’t overstep the mark at this stage or you may lose your friend. I’m sure you are not jealous; more concerned for her welfare. However, if you continue to have real reservations about him you must go out with her and perhaps in a more relaxed environment express your concerns in a non-judgmental way.
If, as you say, she too has some reservations about him deep down – then join her in enjoying the moment for what it is, without longer term plans. At least you are there to pick up the pieces – which is what good friends do.
Be careful not to overstep the mark at this stage, or you may risk losing your friend