Reality Check

What happens when your dream wedding turns into a nightmare?

Jay and Leila were talking wedding. Ever since he’d proposed, it seemed as though this was all that anyone in Leila’s family ever talked about. The dress. The venue. The food. The flowers. Eloping on their own and tying the knot somewhere far away was starting to feel like a pretty good option to Jay, but he was in a minority of one.

“You hate those cameras in our faces every time we do something for the wedding… don’t you darling?” said Leila, stroking his knee. “But think of the money we’re saving. And what a fantastic day we’re going to have.”

“Our whole wedding is turning into a circus,” mumbled Jay. “It’s bad enough having to make a speech in front of all our mates, but now I’ll be making my speech with thousands of viewers all waiting for me to make a mistake.”

“You two are going to have a wonderful day you’ll never forget,” said Leila’s mother firmly. “With the whole country watching on TV! The reception at Shearwater Castle in the mountains, and a five-piece band – imagine that. This beats the little party at the village hall we’d have afforded.”

“And our Seychelles honeymoon paid for,” said Leila. “Let’s face it, we never dreamed of the Seychelles and now we’re going to have a free fortnight there, all paid for by those Reality TV people. I can handle that!”

“But we always said we’d go to Cornwall,” he said moodily. “I was going to teach you how to fish, remember?”

Leila squeezed his hand in sympathy. “We can do that later,” she whispered. “We’ll have the rest of our lives.”

“Nonsense! You don’t want to spend your honeymoon fishing,” interrupted her mother. “You’re such a lucky couple, with the TV people choosing you out of all those others who applied.”

She’d lost half a stone in preparation for her TV debut as mother of the bride, and had at least three or four brand-new mother-of-the-bride outfits in the wardrobe to choose from.

“I just wish Maya could have been here for all the fun.”

Leila’s sister Maya was coming back from a three-month tour in Australia where she’d landed a small part in Cats. She would arrive the day before the wedding, so she was missing all the fuss that came with this on-camera event, but she’d been kept up-to-date with all the preparations and, as Leila’s bridesmaid, couldn’t wait to be part of the extravaganza the day was becoming.

“You’re going to have a fabulous wedding,” she’d emailed. “And I’ll be on TV too! And you’ll have professional footage of your wedding to keep, instead of Uncle Bill’s shaky old video.”

Jay was morosely regretting the whole thing. When he and Leila had agreed to have their wedding preparations recorded for Reality TV, he hadn’t realised they’d both be followed relentlessly by Martin and his camera, for what felt like twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week.

“Martin’s latest demand is my hair,” grumbled Jay. “He wants me to go to one of those fancy hair stylists. What’s wrong with my haircut now?”

Leila ran her hands through his thick mop and kissed him. “Nothing. I love your hair.”

“Then he told me I look sulky every timeI see his camera, so he’ll be

cutting me out of most of the prewedding shots. That’s just fine by me.” Jay couldn’t help looking fed-up when the eager cameraman appeared.

“Martin has become rather bossy, hasn’t he?” agreed Leila. “I wanted gold printing on the invitations but he said it wouldn’t show up nicely when he filmed them so I had to choose black lettering instead. I’d much rather have had gold.”

The cameraman had arrived unannounced one evening and panned his camera over the bachelor tip that Jay called home, focussing on the T-shirt on the floor and dirty glasses on the coffee table from the night before.

“Just pretend I’m not here! Ignore me!” said Martin cheerily. “Be as natural as you can – but just remember, no bad language, your wedding will air on family time.”

Jay muttered a few well-chosen expletives under his breath but he and his best man Rob obediently downed a couple of beers and tried to act as though Martin wasn’t in the flat at all.

“So you and Jay have been friends

“PRETEND I’m not here,” the camera man said, arriving UNANNOUNCED

since school days, eh, Rob?” Martin said, his camera whirring.

“Yep,” said Rob. “He and I both dated the sisters for a couple of years. But then Jay and Leila got pretty serious and –”

“And Maya got a job in Australia? Right,” said Martin. “So this wedding will be a good opportunity to renew your friendship then. By the way, bridesmaid and best man must have the first dance together. Can you waltz, Rob?” “Um, nope.” “Then we’d better pay for you and Jay to have a few hours of instruction,” he said kindly. “The lessons would make good footage, sort of StrictlyCome Dancing for Dummies.” Jay groaned. “I might not actually use it in the end,” Martin comforted. “Most of the programme will be the actual wedding day, so I’ll be with Leila from the minute she wakes up.

“She should wear something sexy in bed the night before the big day. So when I film her opening her eyes and stretching, it’ll look pretty good. And at the church and reception we’ll have about six cameras – one at every point – guests arriving… you waiting for your beautiful bride… Leila arriving with her father…” “Arrggh,” groaned Jay. “Capturing every glorious moment, Jay,” said Martin. “That’s a small price to pay for such a wedding, isn’t it? Other couples we’ve had on the show loved it.”

The show. Their wedding was turning into a show. Jay scowled. Rob waited until Martin had left. “It can’t get any worse, can it? He reckons I have to wear a peach tie to match Maya’s dress. I told him peach wasn’t my colour but he just laughed.”

“We signed that stupid contract right at the start,” said Jay mournfully. “Before we knew what it all meant.”

“Can’t wait to see Maya,” reflected Rob, popping another can. “She might have stayed away longer if you two hadn’t decided to get married. I hope she’s coming back permanently.”

“You still fancy her, don’t you?” Jay grinned. “You were a bit slow there.”

“She wanted that part so badly. But we’ve e-mailed a lot.”

Maya arrived the next day and when Jay went round to see Leila, he found her hiding in the kitchen away from Martin’s camera, while Maya bubbled away on centre stage trying on her peach bridesmaid’s dress.

“The camera loves you,” said Martin happily, peering down her cleavage with his lens while Maya twirled around, giggling happily.

“It’s a perfect fit. Luckily Leila and I are the same size.”

She looked gorgeous, very like Leila except for her loud, infectious laugh. Jay had always been grateful that the gentler, sweeter sister had chosen him. “Leila, can I have a word?” She followed him outside gratefully. “That camera’s driving me insane,” she hissed.

“Me too. Rob and I have had an idea, but I don’t know if you’d be up for it…”

Leila listened, hooted with laughter and grabbed his hand. “Let’s do it!” she said. No one missed them. Rob arrived at that moment, and Maya flew into his arms in a gratifyingly passionate reunion, with Martin circling them gleefully with his camera.

“I reckon I can include a lot of you, Maya, you’re a natural.”

She and Rob were too entwined to even hear him.

The next morning Martin arrived at eight sharp. He filmed the bride languidly getting out of bed, having her hair done, having a facial and manicure and finally putting on her gorgeous beaded wedding dress.

“This is fabulous footage, Leila,” he kept saying. “You’ve really got star quality this morning.”

But when they arrived at the church, Martin was fuming. “Where’s your bridesmaid? And only the best man is inside. What’s keeping Jay?”

“I’ve changed my mind,” said the lady of the hour. “I’m going to marry Rob instead.” Martin went an odd shade of purple. “Joke!” she laughed. “Jay’s gone to Cornwall with Leila. They were married yesterday by special licence.

“I’m Maya.” She giggled in delight. “Rob proposed just yesterday and after all, we didn’t want to waste a perfectly good wedding.”