Ask Helen
Celebrity agony aunt Helen Lederer gives you her heartfelt advice every week
Ifell in love with a widower nine months ago and we’ve had a wonderful, romantic time as couple. We moved in together a few weeks ago and now I feel like it’s all gone wrong. He’s always criticising the way I do things around the house and making unhelpful suggestions that make me feel down. I’m starting to wonder if I have made the biggest mistake of my life.
Oops – how moving in can alter a relationship. Often it is much improved and more meaningful – but not always. None of us truly know our partner until we are with them 24 hours a day, do we? We then see all their moods and foibles, and the challenge is how to overlook or at least accept their less appealing sides while celebrating the nicer aspects.
So, have you made a mistake, you
ask. Your immediate thoughts are that because he is suggesting that you change how you do things domestically, he may be seeking to mould you into someone else. That cannot continue, neither is it healthy. You are you, and you are the person he wants to be with.
It’s time for a frank discussion about how you feel and how you want the future to be. He may not realise what his actions are saying to you. So, be frank. Discuss the possibility of going back to how you were before, and taking things more slowly. This is still a choice you are free to make.
Or it may be that he has just got it all wrong, and the act of speaking honestly will put it all right and out in the open. Either way, clearing the air is necessary.
If a relationship is to succeed, both parties must want it to. Good luck.
He may not realise what his actions are saying to you. So, be frank with him