Chris Pascoe’s Fun Tales
Meet Felix. Chris and his insurance provider would really rather they didn’t…
Ihave to say that the best thing about my cat-sitting job is cats. This sounds extremely obvious so, to phrase it differently – I mean cats… not people. Because some of the people are amazing. And not in a good way.
Yes – in the season of Goodwill to all Mankind, I’d like to switch to Goodwill to all Feline-kind, and have a right go at Mankind. You see, just lately, I’ve had a number of moans about my service.
You may remember that one such complaint was that, as a cat-sitting company, we don’t focus on dogs. Well, just this week I arrived to meet a new cat-sitting client who’d booked us to visit his cat Felix on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day.
On arrival, I found myself being led to a garden shed housing a huge tank… with a huge snake in it.
“Um. You have a snake as well, do you?” I stammered, staring at the creature flicking its tongue at me.
“As well as what?” replied the owner. “…A cat?” “We don’t have a cat. Just Felix the python – I thought the name would be funny.”
“I’m really sorry,” I said, “but we don’t look after snakes. We wouldn’t be insured if they killed us.”
OK, I’m not sure where the words iftheykilledus came
I stared at the creature in the shed flicking its tongue at me
from. Bit drastic, perhaps.
“What? Where does it say on your website that you don’t cover snakes?”
Where does it say we do? In truth, I was more worried about the snake covering me, than me covering the snake.
Unbelievably, my next key collection visit involved not the expected cats, but a bearded dragon and a tank full of geckos. Something in our advertising clearly needs to change. Luckily, I know a very nice veterinary nurse who loves feeding terrifying things, and she took over the bookings – though both customers remain livid about me being a cat-sitter who looks after cats.
The next day, I received a message from a man holidaying on the other side of the world – able to look forward to a Christmas BBQ on the beach, probably with waving Santas water-skiing past, pursued by festive Great White sharks. At least, I thought he’d be focusing on all those things… but instead he’d been focusing on his home video camera.
The message read, Chris, I have noticed a leaf on the lounge carpet. As George Washington is not allowed in the lounge, I can only assume you are responsible for this. Please remove footwear when entering the house.
Firstly, I should point out that George Washington is a tabby cat. Secondly… a leaf? Really?
OK, I need to calm down now. Spleen vented. According to the press, there’s a whole new group of people described as “permanently furious middle-aged men” and I don’t want to be one. That would be annoying.
So, finishing in full Christmas mode, I’ve been at the crackers early, and here’s my first and final cracker joke of the season:
If you’ re ever attacked by a group of circus performers, go straight for the juggler.
Now you’re angry too, aren’t you?
Chris Pascoe is the author of A Cat Called Birmingham and YouCanTaketheCat OutofSlough, and of Your Cat magazine’s column Confessions of a Cat Sitter.