Ask Helen
This is going to sound strange, but I’m mourning something I’ve never had – grandchildren. My only daughter has told me in no uncertain terms that she has no intention of ever having children and the news has hit me like a sledgehammer. I think I just always assumed that one day I would be someone’s granny and I feel so desperately sad that I won’t be. How can I stop feeling like I’ll be missing out on so much?
Iso understand how you are feeling. We all go through our lives with an assumption that there is a predictable pattern – including work and children, retirement and grandchildren. So it is upsetting when our pattern is thrown off course. However, it is my experience that more daughters and couples are deciding not to have children, or at least there has been a more public debate about this as a lifestyle choice. There are a host of different reasons, from having a career to bad feelings about the future or purely personal or psychological reasons. All are valid in their own way. Some change their minds, then find that getting pregnant when older is not so easy.
There are a few things you can do. Focus on supporting your daughter in her decision even though you disagree. It may clash with your own vision of your future, but she is and always will be your daughter. And being close with the daughter you have is easily achievable. Changing her mind is less so… You probably have friends with grandchildren, so arrange to meet them and enjoy the experience in a different kind of way. You will get some pleasure from that. You are clearly a person with much to offer the world. But the real message is to enjoy your daughter and her life. A different mindset can open doors.
Focus on supporting her in her decision – even though you disagree with it