Chris Pascoe’s Fun Tales
Chris is about to relocate – so he’s learning a brand new language in preparation
As mentioned in last week’s column, my daughter Maya recently took up residence in Cambridge. Obviously, we’d like to be able to visit as often as possible, and with this very much in mind, we’re moving to the Isle of Wight. A hundred miles and a ferry in the wrong direction.
There have been quite a few moments during my time with Lorraine when we’ve made inexplicable and slightly unhinged decisions, and this is definitely one of them. Another that always springs to mind was when, with a mortgage and a child to support, we decided to give up getting any money.
The conversation went… “Lorraine, I know you’re going to be mad about this, but it’s my dream to write books, and I want to set up a cat sitting business, so I’ve left my job.”
“Good idea,” she replied, “I’ll leave mine too!”
And she did. I’m not quite sure how we survived.
This latest decision, to move south while north would be sensible, then making things even worse by living on an island, is equally stupid. So obviously we’ve jumped at the chance to do it.
Again, dreams have played a big part. Lorraine has always wanted to live by the sea and, on an island only 26 miles across and six miles wide, she’ll more or less be in it. My family are from Portsmouth, so moving down there feels like going home. OK, I’ll be overshooting home by four miles and a puddle, but it’ll definitely do.
Maya is delighted. I’m hoping this isn’t simply because she thinks we’ll visit less, because we won’t – it’ll just take more doing! No, Maya’s also a sea-lover, fascinated by childhood stories of her ancestor at the Battle of Trafalgar, and also a big fan of dolphins and the like. She’s looking at this as coming home from university every three months to a seaside holiday.
So, along with all the new Cambridge words previously mentioned, I now have to contend with a load of Isle of Wight and nautical ones. For instance, as a mainlander living on the island, I’ll be known as an Overner.
Mind you, this is a nice and not insulting name when you consider that native islanders refer to themselves as Caulkheads. Meanwhile, people just across the sea in Portsmouth will no doubt have worked out from my columns that I’m definitely a dinlo (idiot, basically).
Meanwhile, just along the coast and getting more insulting by the second, some Southampton dwellers refer to some Portsmouth dwellers as Skates (very dodgy origins to this that I won’t go into) but that’s not surprising considering those same Portsmouth dwellers refer to them as Scummers.
All these new words are best avoided by newcomers, I think. Why then, on a recent trip to Southampton and impressed with how nice the locals were, did Lorraine suddenly exclaim at the top of her voice in a crowded shopping centre, ‘These people aren’t Scummers at all!”?
Still, hopefully we’ll survive in the deep south. I’ll keep you posted…
I’ll be overshooting home by four miles and a puddle