Totally Off His Trolley!

Chris celebrates his winning flutter in conspicuous style…

absolutely terrible trolley control by the overweight cat-sitter there.” Or, Forrest Gump could probably sum it up more simply with the fits-all observation, “Stupid is as stupid does.”

Stupid it certainly was, and yes, also very poor trolleying (though I do resent the “fat cat-sitter” jibe).

I arrived at Tesco that day in uncharacteristically high spirits, having just won a bet on six correct results and winning £100 for a 50p stake. Just to be clear here, I rarely win anything at all, and even when I do, the win is generally worse than losing – for instance, I once won SpotThe-Ball and received a 60p cheque but it costs me 65p to bank a cheque, and whenever I have a winning lottery ticket, I always “win” about £5 less than the original cost of all the week’s tickets.

So, finally winning something in the real sense of the word had me jumping for joy, so much so that I grabbed a trolley and freewheeled along with both feet off the ground as I followed my wife Lorraine into the shop.

The problem with this particular type of smaller trolley is that there’s no central section between the wheels and the tray, meaning

Lorraine became aware of a trolley careering past at speed

its handle has very little ability to support much weight, let alone that of an “overweight cat-sitter”. As I shot through the doors, the rear of the trolley plummeted downwards, the front shot upwards and the whole thing wheelied off into a stack of tubs of Celebration chocolates as I collapsed spread-eagled to the floor.

Lorraine became aware there was a problem when a trolley careered past her at high speed. Her next clue was a shout of “Ouch” as I belly-flopped at the feet of the Customer Service queue. As her jaw dropped open in surprise, dozens of boxes of Celebrations crashed to the floor behind her. Celebrations… how ironic!

Lorraine thought about coming to my aid but could see I was already crawling through a mass of feet away from Customer Service, so decided instead to leg it down an aisle and disown me.

As you know, all of my columns probably have a moral message hidden in there somewhere… actually, they probably don’t … but on this occasion, it’s a very clear message indeed. Never gamble, kids – you’ll end up flat on your face in Tesco.

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