Chris Pascoe’s Fun Tales
Lockdown has driven the cat out… in search of toilet roll?
Afew weeks back, I mentioned that I’ve developed a habit of accidentally upsetting elderly ladies. This doesn’t seem to be letting up at all. A few days after writing that particular column, I was involved in an encounter remarkably similar to those already related.
Queuing at a supermarket checkout, I noticed an old lady in the queue behind me with only three or four items in her basket, counting out her change. I said, “Is that all you’ve got?” meaning to let her go in front of me.
“Don’t be so blooming rude,” she said, “I’ve got plenty more in the bank, you cheeky little wossaname!”
Now of course, with supermarket social distancing, I’d have been hard pushed to see what was even in her basket, never mind the loose change in her hand, and shouting, “Is that all you’ve got?” from a distance would sound a lot like I was trying to start a fight with an old lady. As if I wasn’t already having enough supermarket problems what with pocket-voles, trolley crashes and the like.
Can you imagine anybody running through Tesco’s doors doing a trolley-wheelie right now, after waiting half an hour to get in and under the watchful eyes of security? I’d probably be taken down by a police marksman.
Meanwhile, back at home, our giant tomcat Bodmin has been practising a bit of social distancing of his own. Totally perplexed by the current lack of sofa space, he’s taken to sleeping on the roof. If there’s no room on the sofa, can any one of us claim that we too wouldn’t storm out of the door, climb a tree, jump from tree to fence to guttering, climb 15 feet up slippery tiles and settle down for a nap against a chimney breast? I thought not!
Of course, the reason there’s no sofa space, is that we’re mainly on it. It’s all a bit surreal really – some days my
He’s sleeping on the roof due to the lack of sofa space
daughter Maya’s sitting there being taught by university lecturers via live webcam, other days my wife Lorraine’s hosting video coffee mornings, so at any one time, we could be listening to Homer’s Iliad or a load of laughing women talking about things like gluten-free diets. I prefer the Iliad… even in Greek.
I don’t have live network meetings and nobody’s trying to educate me, so I mainly just sit happily playing word games on my phone, writing about playing the word games, and listening to the pitter-patter of paws above my head.
Incidentally, my brother-inlaw has an interesting take on the inexplicable recent mass-hoarding of toilet rolls. “Someone’s wealth and social status isn’t measured on the size of their house or their flashy cars and designer clothing anymore, oh no – it’s how many toilet rolls they’ve got stashed in their garage. That’s what it’s all about now Chris,” he pronounced.
“I see,” I responded, thoughtfully, “How many toilet rolls have you got?”
“I’ve got a 9-pack of Cushelle Quilted Velvet with added aloe vera,” he said, proudly. Now, that really is what it’s all about.