On The Cover Our Favourite Funny One-Liners Jokes to split your sides!

These jokes and wisecracks from some of our favourite comics will put a smile on your face when you most need it…

“I ONCE WENT TO ONE OF THOSE PARTIES WHERE EVERYONE THROWS THEIR CAR KEYS INTO THE MIDDLE OF THE ROOM. I DON’T KNOW

WHO GOT MY MOPED BUT I’VE BEEN DRIVING THAT PEUGEOT FOR YEARS.” Victoria Wood

“You can’t lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesn’t come back, then what you’ve lost is a pigeon.”

SARAH PASCOE

“WHEN MY WIFE AND I ARGUE, WE’RE LIKE A BAND IN CONCERT: WE START WITH SOME NEW STUFF, AND THEN WE ROLL OUT OUR GREATEST HITS.”

Frank Skinner

“‘OH, HERBAL MEDICINE’S BEEN AROUND FOR THOUSANDS OF YEARS!’ INDEED IT HAS, AND THEN WE TESTED IT ALL, AND THE STUFF THAT WORKED BECAME ‘MEDICINE’.

AND THE REST OF IT IS JUST A NICE BOWL OF SOUP AND SOME POT POURRI, SO KNOCK YOURSELVES OUT.” Dara O’Briain

ERNIE: “You have got to leave, and let me get on with my life.”

ERIC: “What will you do with it?” ERNIE: “I have an aptitude for the written word. I have a natural bent.” ERIC: “Well, have a look. It could be your braces. They might be twisted.” ERIC MORECAMBE AND ERNIE WISE

“MY DAD KNEW I WAS GOING TO BE A COMEDIAN. WHEN I WAS A BABY, HE SAID, ‘IS THIS A JOKE?’”

Ken Dodd

“I always take my wife morning tea in my pyjamas, but is she grateful? No. She says she’d rather have it in a cup.” ERIC MORECAMBE

“I was worried about my health, so I went to see my GP. I said, ‘Is it too late for me as a fat middle-aged woman?’ He said, ‘No, it’s never too late, just do something a couple of times a week that gets you slightly out of breath.’ So I started smoking again.”

JO BRAND

“JUST BECAUSE NOBODY COMPLAINS DOESN’T MEAN ALL PARACHUTES

ARE PERFECT.”

Benny Hill

“What happens if you cross a turkey with an octopus? Everyone gets a leg at Christmas.”

Dawn French as Vicar of Dibley

“A government survey reveals the prime minister is doing the work of two men. Laurel and Hardy.” Ronnie Corbett “My New Year’s resolution is to get in shape. I choose round.” Sarah Millican “I want to die peacefully like my creaming like his ers.” Bob Monkkhhouse

“I went to the doctor the other day. I said, ‘With all the excitement of Christmas, I can’t sleep.’ He said, ‘Try lying on the edge of youryourbbedd – you’ll soon drop off’.”o Tommy Cooper Jenny Éclair “I had a dream last night that I was cutting carrots with the Grim Reaper – dicingdii wit ih death.” “Do you know how many middle-aged men go out for a pint of milk and never ” come home? Not enough.enough Tim VVine

“Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that, who cares? He’s a mile away and you’ve got his shoes.” Billy Connolly

“What’s Postman Pat called on his holiday? Pat.” Aisling Bea