Chris Pascoe’s Fun Tales

You can rely on the devoted supporters to tell it like it is…

As some readers may recall, I like to visit online forums where people talk to one another, and I talk to no one. But I do observe what’s being said, because it’s important to know what’s going on in the world.

For instance, I’d never have known about a man, mentioned here a while back, being swallowed whole by a shark before giving it a good old-fashioned right hook in the teeth from behind, climbing out, then punching it for good measure. That’s what he said he did anyway, but I’ve since heard he’s never left his home town in Cheshire, so it must’ve been an inland urban shark.

Recently I’ve been frequenting more specific

My dad played for Portsmouth as a boy but can’t recall why

forums, where football supporters go to register support for their club and state how totally disgusted they are with them. I’m back supporting my family club Portsmouth these days, whom my dad played for as a schoolboy but can’t remember why. Or who against. He also represented HMS Vernon at sporting level, but can’t remember if it was for football or boxing… probably much the same thing in his day. Anyway, despite that, I tend to look at a multitude of football club’s forums.

Unlike Cheshire sharkfighters, the posters on these forums tend to be an honest lot, totally aware when their teams are terrible, and very happy to share their opinions on the wider footballing world.

On the Portsmouth forum, for instance, a favourite topic is local rivals Southampton losing 9-0, which has happened surprisingly often of late. They’re unafraid to bring up their own team’s shortcomings either, as with this post, made at half-time with Portsmouth getting hammered 4-0:

ForumPoster: This is a very good way to lose!

Now there’s a glass half-full attitude for you!

This forum broached the wider topic of the game’s rules:

ForumPoster1: I hear the powers-that-be are talking about stopping players heading the ball now. What next!

Poster2: Ah, I wondered what was going on with our defenders on Saturday.

Good old us – always ahead of the game!

Two fans, discussing their team’s new striker:

Poster1: How dangerous is he in front of goal?

Poster2: Very, if you’re sitting behind the goal.

And my personal favourite, from a lockdown when football stadiums weren’t yet reopened, and some fans were speculating that a lack of vocal support might be a reason for the team’s poor performances:

Poster: When they open the grounds, and all four stands are packed again, there’ll be more people to see them beat us.

And there’s the opposing empty half of the glass…

After a game in which their team failed to get a single shot on target, fans were giving their opinions on the game, which had been live on TV:

Poster: I watched Interior Designers. It was great!

So, I’ll just finish this week by thanking all those sometimes amazingly humorous forum posters who give up their time to complain about their teams, but still manage to brighten everyone’s day! Thank you.