Does life begin at 39?

FOR more than six months now I’ve been feeling old. I’ve been experiencing this impending feeling of being past my best, looking back at times in my life and remembering that feeling of immortality, when parts of my body didn’t ache daily, when anything seemed possible.

It could be due to having a toddler who rarely sleeps and is wide awake at 5am every day without fail. It could be years of shift work and the pressures of working in the radio industry or it could be coronavirus and the anxiety and loss of freedom. I’m guessing it’s a mixture of all of these and probably a few more thrown in.

As my 39th birthday loomed I felt a real sense of dread. Birthdays are no longer what they were when I was in my 20s or early 30s. I feel they are now just a reminder that the clock is ticking, a reminder of the things I haven’t achieved as yet and a reminder that if I do wish for a third child I really need to get a move on!

When I was in my 20s my birthdays would last a whole week and would finish with a big night out in Nottingham with about 20 of us dancing until the early hours. I thought it would always be that way. That’s one of the beautiful things about being young – you don’t think about circumstances changing, you don’t sit and ponder what life will be like if and when you fill it with responsibilities like raising a family and paying bills.

Before you know it you are there, married with children. The stresses and tribulations of life creep in as do the grey hairs and planning for the future i.e. writing your will, and before you know it age no longer feels like just a number, it feels a bit like a life sentence that you’re counting down to!

We anticipate old age and all its trappings creeping in, because being in the moment, being present and letting go can feel too hard once you get to a certain age and are feeling the weight of other people’s expectations on you like your kids, your partner, the world!

I of course had to face my 39th and, in all honesty, I had a lovely day with my husband Chris and our kids.

At one point my husband asked me what I was thinking about and I replied “A time when I was young, a little wild (a lot actually but I’ll leave that there), when I felt careless and free, and now I’m 39 and I feel really ancient and a little like I’m in jail.

Now I know this sounds bad when you’re reading it but I didn’t mean it quite how it came out and yes I know I can be a terrible wife at times!

He looked at me and smiled “I met you when I was 39 and that’s when my life began.”