Three years of parenting has taught us a lot... like the importance of child locks
DOUBLE TROUBLE FOR A FIRST-TIME DAD OF TWINS
“AYE, two, there’s two of ‘em,” said the Irish man scanning Victoria’s stomach.
That was three years ago, and those ambiguous words sparked panic, joy and initially confusion.
Simply because I had no idea whether he meant two arms, legs or worst-case scenario, noses.
As it turned out there were two noses but thankfully on different heads.
It was a time of tremendous confusion in which we were genuinely clueless as to how to care for babies. Reassuringly, we had our surrogate
grandparents, the internet, which provided us with all the answers we needed and lots we didn’t.
For back-up, I bought books like Discipline: Don’t let them get away with it or Baby 101: How to be the Perfect Parent.
Finally, there were actual people in our lives, who were full of ideas, opinions and suggestions as to what we should be doing, when we should be doing it and why we’re doing it wrong. Admittedly, some of those opinions were a little too strongly held and could often lead to tension at family gatherings but they gave us direction.
Thankfully, three years in and we’re experts, or at least selfreliant, mostly because nobody is allowed to enter the house. The books, like everything else, are hidden under toys, clothes or something twin related. Obviously, we still use Granny Google to investigate any kind of medical concern, which pretty much always provides us with a terrifying worst-case scenario, leaving me anxious until reality creeps back in. Although there are still questions
over our parenting, they’re more of a moral dilemma. For example, how much is too much Paw Patrol on a rainy Saturday?
Or does buying them an ice cream just to stop them continually asking for one make me weak?
Perhaps the greatest moral quandary I face are the door safety devices, of which we have two, one on the living room door and the other on their bedroom.
It’s a simple piece of curved moulded plastic with holes in that clips over the top of the door knobs.
If your hands are too small, you can’t reach the actual door knob through the holes to turn it and open the door, therefore locking you in the room.
Now, isn’t that imprisonment? And surely holding someone against their will is a criminal offence?
Our defence is we’re doing it for their own safety because we don’t want them playing on the stairs.
And captivity in the living room is to prevent them running wild in the kitchen and investigating ovens, hobs and hot pans, while we’re cooking. On the other hand, they’re growing like a well-fed tomato plant, so it won’t be long before there’s a jailbreak.
Until then, I just need to relax because I think the real concerns will start when we can no longer exert control over their little lives.