The art of not training
Ah, the Endurance issue, 68 pages celebrating the pain and pleasure of marathon swimming. What other sport calls for liberal amounts of Vaseline, sleep deprivation and counting your strokes – all while wearing just a pair of tiny trunks and a latex hat. Sounds like a good Saturday night out. Oh, and did I mention that you might need a boat and support crew – and I don’t mean a cruise liner and Jane McDonald blasting out ballads over the tannoy. Although with the cost of hiring a boat for an English Channel swim, I would insist on Jane McDonald feeding me peaches and maltodextrin while singing The Winner Takes It All dressed in a sequined frock and full make-up.
Of course, the thing with long distance swimming is that it takes A LOT of training. You can’t just turn up at Dover beach with your sandwiches in a waterproof bag slung around your neck and set off swimming to France. A successful marathon swim, whether a 10km swim or a Channel crossing, is the result of hours – often years – spent in the pool and open water, honing your body to the peak of physical perfection. As you train, imagine yourself crossing that finish line or touching land after hours of valiantly battling waves and currents. Imagine that feeling of success and achievement.
Which is all very well, but I have a Broadchurch box set I really should finish.
Motivation. It is something we write a lot about when it comes to training for long distance events. Having done my fair share of endurance challenges over the years – from ultra marathons to swimruns and 10k swims – I should be adept at knowing how to kick myself up the arse and get myself down the pool. My challenge for the year is to swim the length of the major lakes in the Lake District, but at the moment I’ll be lucky to doggy paddle across a couple of tarns. I know how much training I need to do, I know how I should be motivating myself, I know how to set myself SMART goals, but for some reason I seem to be stuck to my sofa.
From my front door I can be in the water in the swimming pool in ten minutes, allowing for a quick navigation of the changing village and assuming that I don’t get stuck behind a queue for legs, bums and tums at reception.
Sofa, dog, fire. No swimming pool in sight
But any excuse – and I have many – and I will ditch training and go and do something else instead. How do I love avoiding training? Let me count the ways.
• The dog needs walking.
• I am too full. I really shouldn’t have popped into Greggs on the way back from town.
• I am too hungry. It would be dangerous to swim so nutritionally compromised.
• It’s too dark. I am ready for bed now
(it is 5.30pm).
• It’s too early. I have never been very good at early morning exercise.
• It’s too late. I won’t have time to eat my tea.
• I am too tired and the fire is too cosy and warm.
• I have had too much coffee.
• I haven’t had enough coffee.
• I am too busy watching old episodes of This Morning with Richard and Judy on YouTube.
“My challenge for the year is to swim the length of the major lakes in the Lake District, but at the moment I’ll be lucky to doggy paddle across a couple of tarns”
Of course, when I do finally make it to the pool I have a great training session. Maybe I will swim at least one of the lakes this year. Now, where did I put the number of Jane McDonald’s agent?