Dick struggles with an addiction to Amazon and guitar pedals.

Ho hum. Dick struggles with a combined addiction to Amazon and guitar effects pedals

Living in 21stcentury London poses many threats to the health of elderly gentlemen, from acid-flinging scooter thugs to spiceaddled footpads, but these dwindle into statistical insignificance for me compared to the threat of getting lost in the Maplotubazon Triangle – the seductive maze of online tech retailers that encourages one to squander money without leaving the house.

The mid-life collecting impulse that afflicts many males with disposable incomes is a well-understood pathology, which often manifests itself through fast cars, motorbikes or vintage electric guitars. I try to resist it myself, partly out of principle but also from a parsimony towards the confiscatory prices that prevail in these adult-toy markets. However, I’m still vulnerable because I do enjoy playing guitar. I don’t collect guitars as such, being satisfied with two I purchased years ago – a 1984 Gibson Blue Ridge acoustic and a 1987 Fender MIJ (Made in Japan) “Hendrix re-issue” Stratocaster, plus a more recent Hofner Beatle Bass replica. But I do have an unhealthy relationship with effects pedals, provoked by my desire to emulate Bill Frisell, who deploys delay, looping and reverb as instruments in their own right.

It’s not that I actually collect pedals either, already having (most) of the ones I want, but rather that I need to connect them all into a system, the ergonomics of which have become a bit of an obsession. I have five pedals that need connecting: an Akai Head Rush delay/echo/looper; a Zoom MRT-3 drum machine, which, along with hundreds of preset patterns, lets me use its pads interactively; a Zoom G1on multi-effects processor; a Belcat tremolo pedal and a Rowin twin looper. I can play guitar(s) and drum patterns into the looper, then play over it like a one-man trio.

The problem is the vast number of ways you can connect these up: which should go before which, parallel or series, which can be bypassed? It’s even forced me to draw flow charts. Do I need tremolo on the drums? No. All these pedals feed into a small Marshall practice amp and the “glue” that holds them together is a dense thicket of short jack leads, 9v power cables and mixer boxes. And sniffing all this glue is what caused me to be cast away in the Maplotubazon Triangle – I have a Maplin down the road, I have a highly active Amazon account, and I watch plenty of guitar-pedal porn on YouTube.

This whole enterprise means waging war against two powerful enemies: mains hum and impedance mismatch, my Scylla and Charybdis. A new configuration works until I add in one last pedal and then it hums. Bung in another £17 Maplin passive three-channel mixer and the hum goes away, but I lose 40dB and the volume knob on my Strat behaves like an on/off switch. Put an active mixer back in and it hums when you turn the third knob... I spend hours reading specs and user reviews of multi-pedal power supplies on Amazon, but never settle on the one to order. Will its power leads be long enough? Will it really be hum-free? Agony...

There’s a deeper level of OCD still to which I’ve not succumbed yet, namely to open up the boxes and alter their gubbins with a soldering iron. I’ve tasted this forbidden fruit via a YouTube video about hacking the MRT-3 to add an eight-socket patch panel and noise generator. I’m pretty good with a soldering iron but no... just no.

You may wonder if there’s any purpose behind all this fiddling, and the short answer is yes. One day, once it all works well enough to navigate in real-time with confidence, and assuming that occurs within my lifetime, I’d like to perform in public. All pedals attached with Velcro, just a single mains plug, hoick the rig down to The Green Note open-mic night and treat them to 15 minutes of space-age howls and twangs. You may wonder why I don’t just find two human musicians who are into electronic, effect-heavy, free-jazz guitar music. I would, but it seems most of them are working on remote unicorn ranches.

And anyway, I’m almost there now. I’ve just discovered a configuration that works hum-free and loud as long as I use three separate wall wart power supplies. I’ve ordered, from Amazon, a Caline 10-way isolated power supply, which should fix me up for sure. I’ve found 1,140 YouTube videos, half of which say it’s the bee’s knees and half of which say it’s crap. I’ll take those odds.

There’s a deeper level of OCD to which I’ve not succumbed yet – to open up the boxes and alter their gubbins with a soldering iron