Lazy companies that put the customer last have left Jon Honeyball in a terrible mood

I’m mad as hell. I’m tired of companies flogging third-rate firmware on second-rate hardware whilst charging a first-rate price. I’m tired of IT stuff that just doesn’t work, of systems that are thrown together with chewing gum and sticking plaster, and barely work when new, let alone several years down the line when some poor sucker has to take over the management and support.

I’m tired of companies for whom “customer support” has turned into a joke. I’ve just tried to track an incoming package from the US with FedEx and the phone enquiries line timed out after 15 minutes of waiting, telling me that there were no customer representatives available.

The online chat representative seemed unable to answer my question (after another 20-minute wait) and then, after I had magically managed to reconnect to the same rep after another 15-minute wait, just closed the chat window on me. There’s no contact number that works, I’m in information limbo and no one appears to give a damn.

I’m mad at the institutions of state, who appear to slosh money around as if there’s no tomorrow, and yet fail to deliver anything vaguely workable. The only logical conclusion is that the powers that be know there really is no tomorrow, and we should just party. Except we can’t do that without some zero-trained bottom inspectors coming around to decide whether my bubble is intact.

I could try to get a Covid-19 test, but there are none available. The website doesn’t work. There might be an NHS England track and trace app up and running by the time you read this, but I’m not holding my breath. Yes, of course your data will be safe: it’s being supervised by Dido Harding, who was the chief executive when TalkTalk was hit by a £60 million data breach. That didn’t stop her accepting a £2.81 million payout in 2015, of course. I dread to think how much she’s taking for her current role of appropriate institutional non-delivery.

I’m mad at professors drawing up models that wouldn’t stand up to scrutiny by a five-year-old at five miles, of unexplained decision-making where talking to the little people doesn’t seem to factor into the equation. Where companies seem to treat Covid-19 as the ultimate excuse for any sort of ridiculous behaviour. I went to get two tyres changed on my car last week – no, I couldn’t sit as usual in the waiting room all alone by myself, armed with a face mask, “because of Covid, mate”. I had to stand outside in the rain.

If I see one more advert telling me how my life is going to be transformed by 5G then I might just be tipped over the anger edge. Or another press release claiming that the Internet of Things is going to change the world, and that an information revolution is awaiting me if only I would sign up. I’m tired of the advertising industry deciding it has a right to know everything about me, and especially annoyed at their outrage that a company like Apple might be wanting to clip their wings.

I’m tired of the nonsense, the hypocrisy, the under-delivering, the flagrant incompetence and the wilful intellectual shallowness. The rush by which big businesses have found ways to game the government financial support packages, and the naivety of those who set them up in the first place. The pig-headed desire to keep charging ahead with white elephants like HS2, whilst not recognising that there is a new reality out there. Telling us to go back to the daily, painful slog of commuting isn’t going to work. And when companies realise this, they will find that it is indeed possible to have someone working in Falkirk, rather than Farringdon. Or even in Finland.

To be honest, the only thing that keeps me going forward is the remarkable sense of camaraderie and friendship that’s blossoming in the communities. People are helping friends and acquaintances, consideration is being made, and we are growing closer as a result. It’s becoming so much easier to separate the crass from the quality, those I want to be around and those I don’t, and the companies I want to spend my money with. And those to whom I will never return.

To those firms who have been put under the spotlight for their underachievement, over-promising and under-delivering, you have been found out. We will not be coming back again in the future. The new normal is here, and the lower half of the normal distribution curve can just stay away, thanks. That’s the great thing about technology – we, the users, will always win.

To those firms who have been put under the spotlight for their underachievement, you have been found out