Creature feature is no Mega hit
The Meg (12A)
Forget Batman vs Superman, Godzilla vs King Kong or, erm, Kramer vs Kramer; how about powerhouse action star Jason Statham butting heads with a 70-foot shark?!
Yep, never mind Jaws’ 25-foot-long Great White, the Megalodon wreaking havoc here is nearly three-times the size – and even more hungry for human flesh.
The pretty ridiculous premise ribs on Captain Ahab’s pursuit of Moby Dick as Statham’s ex-naval captain Jonas Taylor is recruited to take on the Meg five years after a fateful confrontation with the “world’s largest marine predator” in the Mariana Trench.
Now, it almost feels churlish and redundant to point out that The Meg is a big, dumb movie, especially as that’s how it’s been marketed, but... The Meg is a very big, very dumb movie!
To its credit, brothers Jon and Erich Hoeber and Dean Georgaris’ screenplay – based on Steve Alten’s novel Meg – has its tongue planted so firmly in its cheek it could easily burst out the other side.
In fact everyone involved know they are making a cheesy, cliche-ridden blockbuster where punching a shark in the face is a seemingly perfectly plausible occurrence.
But, as a result, it becomes very hard to get invested in anything that’s going on and you wish an element of true danger had been injected into proceedings.
Helmer Jon Turteltaub (the National Treasure movies) is at his best when shooting the Megalodon in action; it’s an undeniably impressive sight to see the predator baring down on its prey.
Everything else, however, never rises above mediocre – not even in a so-bad-it’s-good fashion.
Statham is the only human character who approaches likeable or memorable and the Englishman again has fun sending up his hard man persona; although it’s a shtick that’s getting a little old after his Spy and Fast & Furious 8 turns.
The rest of the cast – from Ruby Rose’s Jaxx to Rainn Wilson’s (Morris) billionaire benefactor – are just instantly forgettable window dressing.
It doesn’t help that the script serves up a heavy dose of “dire-logue” that wouldn’t sound out of place in the latest instalment of the godawful Sharknado series. Statham faces off with the 70-foot Megalodon
Beyond one gleefully fun showdown between Statham and the Meg, Turteltaub’s action sequences fail to get the pulse racing; there’s nothing here that can hold a candle to anything in Jaws’ final act.
And speaking of climaxes, the way the Megalodon bows out is as absurd as it is underwhelming, leaving you longing for the return of Chief Brody and an explosive gas canister.
More Deep Blue Sea than Jaws, The Meg meanders along with little conviction with humans you’re not eager to see avoid becoming the titular creature’s lunch.
Forget a timeless shark tale, this isn’t even a chomping cult classic.