‘I felt like I was broken’
For many women, having a child just doesn’t seem like a natural choice. Lauren*, 34, explains:
‘When I was in school, the thought of having children always felt like part of some abstract future plan.
I thought about it the same way I did marriage and career, assuming I’d feel the desire for children someday. It would just happen. Eventually.
Fast forward to my late twenties, and suddenly the pressure was unwavering.
The second I got engaged, the baby talk started, mostly from older family members.
The more questions I got, the more I started to worry.
Why wasn’t I yearning for a baby yet?
I’d had friends cry in my arms about their fertility struggles, and while my heart ached for them, I couldn’t imagine what it felt like to want something with every fibre of your being.
I felt like I was somehow broken, or wrong.
I started researching, devouring books and papers on parenthood, and I learned I wasn’t alone in my uncertainty, and it gave me immense relief to realise there wereother women out there choosing to
remain child-free.
There are plenty of valid reasons to not have kids, but what it came down to for me was how I felt in my heart.
Do I feel guilty that my parents will never have grandchildren? Of course. Do I look at the sweet faces of children and wonder what mine would look like? All the time. Did I grieve for the ‘what if?’ Absolutely.
But I came to realise that for me, these aren’t reasons to bring a child into this world.
I can’t make serious life decisions to fulfil the wishes of my family or to simply satisfy my curiosity.
I have to live authentically, even if that means going against the norm.’