HE WHO WIELDS THE POWER...

Who’s in charge of the TV remote controls in your house?

Also, how many of the bad boys do you have?

We're packing three remotes. I like to think that it’s the last remaining power-play of menkind. It’s how I wield my Gorilla ‘Silverback’ TV power. When I’m in a telly-viewing position the remotes are balanced in size order on the arm of the sofa, to my left, next to my favourite place to sit.

If my wife comes in to join me, on occasion, I offer the remotes. It’s a gesture.

She’s never in 200 years of marriage ever said:

‘Yes, hand them over, y ou controlling TV freak!’ They’re always rejected. This is good because I like to adjust the volume depending on external variables. The additional skill I’ve acquired is the ability to field this question: ‘Is anything on?’ At this point I’m able to give a brief, usually downbeat, summary of what’s on the programme guide, throwing in a few old films from the streaming services.

I usually have something I’d prefer to watch but I keep that in my back pocket. Once interest has been lost I can finally guide the TV gently to something ridiculous like the Red Bull Soapbox Challenge and I’m home and dry for around 20 minutes.

It’s a skill that takes years to learn.

Many will need evening classes for years to get to this level – I’m a grandmaster. A wizard. Without the remote power I’m left with very little. In fact I'd simply be head of bins and recycling.

After that…