HELPFUL HINTS FOR FAMILY LIFE It’s OK to grieve for your life pre-children

No matter how much you want a baby or how prepared you think you are, becoming a parent for the first time can feel like a huge shock to the system.

While for some the shift into parenthood may feel natural, for others the adjustment is more complicated, and even if a new arrival brings a lot of joy, many mums and dads feel a sense of loss for their old lives too.

‘From what we can see on the Mumsnet forums, it’s pretty common for new mothers to feel like this,’ says Mumsnet founder and CEO Justine Roberts.

‘In the last 12 months, there have been nearly six million page views of forum discussions that included the terms ‘pre-kids’ and ‘mourn’.

Having a baby is lifechanging for dads too but, Roberts says: ‘For mothers in particular, the effects – from birth injuries and postnatal depression to career impacts and a loss of social status – can ricochet through the rest of their lives.

‘We see so many women expressing a sense of dislocation as a life that was once filled with work, socialising, travel and exploration disappears almost overnight.’

Yes, you can feel this way but love your child fiercely. It doesn’t mean you don’t – or won’t – love being a parent. But you’re human and for a lot of people, becoming a mother or father is far less idyllic than carefully curated social media accounts of perfect-looking families would have us believe. Although it’s often discussed with a level of anonymity on the internet, Roberts notes that missing their beforebaby lives is something new parents are ‘reluctant to say in real life for fear of other people’s judgment’.

She adds: ‘There’s a huge stigma attached to admitting that parenthood hasn’t been exactly what they were expecting. ‘Perhaps y ou’ve been less happy than you anticipated, or that you preferred some things about life before babies – freedom, autonomy, spontaneity, the ability to leave the house after 6pm, for example.’