KATE BUSH WOULD BE PROUD

I’m hanging on. Week after week my washing machine gets louder and louder. When getting ready to spin it sounds like the police doing the final knock before they ‘bust’ the door down. When it hits 'spin' the nearest person has to hang on to the machine to stop it making a dash for freedom. I can see the writing on the wall and have started visiting electrical showrooms to get up to speed, but there's so much to distract a wandering mind.

I found myself sitting in a chair in a fake front room talking ‘smart speaker’ surround sound with a member of the sales team. I finally trudged to the white goods section and it occurred to me that I have only two criteria for looking for a washing machine. Criteria one. The letter energy rating. A is good.

D is, why is it even in the building? I was told there are stricter criteria now so it’s harder to get an A or a B. That’s not my problem. I’ve got enough going on. My second and final criteria? Do I like the feel of the buttons. I don’t like slack in the big round dial thing.

If it’s loose, it won’t last. If it has an on-off button, then it’s got to be a good one. Nothing flabby.

The salesman told me 1,000 things about water consumption, machines that weigh the washing, mini doors you can open halfway through (witchcraft) and even ones you can turn on by an app. At the end of the spiel I say (in my head): ‘It’s D-rated and it’s got a sloppy dial. It’s not going to happen.’ Consumer testing at its best.

Still didn’t buy one. It’ll last another few months.