When a partner is more than a pain in the back...
Q: My husband has had back problems for years. Most of the time, it’s a background pain that he manages to work through. There are times, though, when he has crippling pain and is unable to move for days, leaving me to pick up the slack of his business and look after him at the same time. Over the past year, the number of times this has happened has increased significantly, yet he will still not see a doctor – he just shrugs it off saying there’s nothing they can do, it’s just something tall men must live with.
AThe silly thing is, he has private health cover, so it’s not as though he needs to wait for a GP appointment.
I am, therefore, finding it increasingly hard to be sympathetic and do the things he needs me to do. I struggle to move him around when he has a bad bout, and this is taking its toll on my back too. It’s also affecting our marriage, as we are both scratchy and angry most of the time. Last month, we had to cancel our holiday because he couldn’t drive, and this caused a particularly nasty row. I am at my wits end and do not know how much longer I can cope with this. Why won’t he get help? : I suspect he’s afraid of finding out that something is seriously wrong, and is prepared to put up with longterm pain instead. It amazes me how many people will do this, rather than face the truth. Back pain is one of the most common conditions and the sad thing is, it will typically only get worse the longer it is left untreated.
Men can tend to be more likely to avoid resolving health issues like this, and there are probably several reasons for this. Perhaps they don’t like to appear weak, or maybe they can’t accept the reality that they can get sick. Or it might be the treatment they fear, especially if it is a serious or long-term condition. In your husband’s case, though, it’s hard to see how this could possibly be worse that the pain he is struggling with now.
If he remains reluctant to seek help for his own sake, could you persuade him to do it for you? It’s possible he is so wrapped up in his own pain that he is unaware of the effect this is having you. Explain how upsetting it is for you to see him in pain all the time and emphasise that your mental and physical health is starting to suffer as well. Try not to get angry or confrontational and concentrate instead on the issue of improving the quality of your life together.
Alternatively, if it is doctors that he is averse to, might he see a physiotherapist or osteopath? He won’t need a GP referral and his private health insurance might cover it.
Finally, you could also encourage him to contact Backcare (backcare.org.uk), a charity that operates a network of local support groups and directory of treatment practitioners.
Your husband may be interested to note that most of us will be affected by back pain at some point in our lives. But just because so many of us have it doesn’t mean nothing can be done. Do get him to look at the site; I’m sure he’ll realise that, left untreated, things will only get worse.