Dave Selby

Dave hatches a plan to tackle the Amer­ica’s Cup in ‘state-of-the-ark’ Sail­fisHes (with ran­dom cap­i­tals)

Practical Boat Owner - - Contents -

Break­ing news: by now some­one’s won the Amer­ica’s Cup. More break­ing news: it cost a lot of money. Even more break­ing news: here at #Co­r­a­cleTeamOver­draftBARtRoverUK we’re all so in­spired that we’re gear­ing up to chal­lenge for the next one, which will take place in state-of-the-ark Sail­fishes. This will save money, but not much.

You see, I can’t help think­ing that Sail­fishes – to be known now on as Sail­fisHes ‘cos it’s im­por­tant to have ran­dom cap­i­tals in a pro­fes­sional team – are em­i­nently suit­able be­cause, un­like cur­rent Amer­ica’s Cup yachts, non-foil­ing Sail­fishes sail quite nicely in less than 6 knots and can cope with more than 25 knots. What’s more, they can hit speeds ap­proach­ing 60mph… on trail­ers… and even more over cliffs if a wheel comes off.

And that’s got more rel­e­vance than you think, as Pirelli ex­plained in its spon­sor­ship an­nounce­ment of Emi­rates Team New Zealand: ‘The Pirelli logo will fea­ture on the boat and its rud­ders, which for the oc­ca­sion will be­come a metaphor for the tyre. Just as the tyre, in fact, en­sures a ve­hi­cle’s per­for­mance and con­trol, so does the rud­der guar­an­tee the mas­tery of the ves­sel.’ Tech­ni­cally, that’s not quite how Sail­fisHes work, but cer­tainly the tyres on my trailer are mis­er­able metaphors for tyres, and I could re­ally do with a new pair of Pirellis. Then, only on pri­vate roads of course, I reckon I might be able to top 70mph, par­tic­u­larly if I had four more Pirelli metaphors quite lit­er­ally fit­ted to a brand-new Land Rover, not a metaphor­i­cal one, in re­turn for which I’d al­low #lan­drover to fea­ture the Land Rover logo on the, erm, Land Rover, which is a metaphor for a very ex­pen­sive way to do the school run. How’s that for prod­uct place­ment? That’s the spon­sors sorted.

But this is just the be­gin­ning of a long road, which be­gan way back yes­ter­day when #Co­r­a­cleTeamOver­draftBARtRoverUK set up its new headquarters in the Queen’s Head, known as #QHHQ.

Of course there are go­ing to be chal­lenges, and not just re­mem­ber­ing all those so­cial me­dia hash­tags. As Sir Ben Ainslie said in The Times: ‘The Amer­ica’s Cup is sail­ing’s Tour de France.’ Per­haps he didn’t mean it lit­er­ally, but he was right. So, just like the Ki­wis in a boat named after a richer coun­try (Emi­rates Team New Zealand), I’ve de­vel­oped a pedestal cy­cle to take the grind out of #sail­ing. To make light work of it, mine’s got an en­gine in the back wheel. I’ll se­cure it to the boats with bungees, then when I get any­where I can cy­cle to the shops. Why did no one think of that be­fore?

But there’s more break­ing news. The Amer­ica’s Cup Sail­fisHes will be foil­ing. Early tests on the Mal­don prom model yacht pond are promis­ing: fit­ting foils to Sail­fisHes makes them com­pletely un­con­trol­lable, and im­pos­si­ble to get on or off their trail­ers. Con­se­quently the Pirelli logo on the rud­der will be vis­i­ble all the time. So will the nearby Land Rover, come to think of it.

That just leaves our cor­po­rate liv­ery and the en­vi­ron­ment. #Co­r­a­cleTeamOver­draftBARtRoverUK will of course be wear­ing proper BMX cy­cle cloth­ing, com­plete with hel­mets, like all pro­fes­sional Cup sailors. As for the en­vi­ron­ment and planet in gen­eral, we’ll be sav­ing it, just like all the teams whose boats are made out of un­re­new­able petro­chem­i­cal by-prod­ucts. Here’s one of the great Twit­ter ini­tia­tives by a team spon­sored by a 4x4 ve­hi­cle: 'This #World­sOceanDay we are re­cy­cling ocean plas­tics and cre­at­ing flow­er­pots us­ing our so­lar kiln.'

How­ever, here at #Co­r­a­cleTeam Over­draftBARtRoverUK we’re go­ing one bet­ter. After the next Cup we’ll be re­turn­ing the ob­so­lete Sail­fisH fleet to the round­abouts where we found them and re­in­stat­ing the daf­fodils. This will en­tail do­ing noth­ing at all.

This is clearly the way for­ward, so if any of you bil­lion­aires want to or­der a Sail­fisH off me for your next cam­paign, I’ll do you as many as you like for 50 mil­lion a go. That’s a sav­ing of at least 50 mil­lion, but not sure if that’s pounds, euros or dol­lars. You can af­ford it.

‘They may be faster, but we’ve got more hash­tags...’

Dave Selby’s se­cret weapon for the next Amer­ica’s Cup; Bart looks bored

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