Dave Selby
Dave hatches a plan to tackle the America’s Cup in ‘state-of-the-ark’ SailfisHes (with random capitals)
Breaking news: by now someone’s won the America’s Cup. More breaking news: it cost a lot of money. Even more breaking news: here at #CoracleTeamOverdraftBARtRoverUK we’re all so inspired that we’re gearing up to challenge for the next one, which will take place in state-of-the-ark Sailfishes. This will save money, but not much.
You see, I can’t help thinking that Sailfishes – to be known now on as SailfisHes ‘cos it’s important to have random capitals in a professional team – are eminently suitable because, unlike current America’s Cup yachts, non-foiling Sailfishes sail quite nicely in less than 6 knots and can cope with more than 25 knots. What’s more, they can hit speeds approaching 60mph… on trailers… and even more over cliffs if a wheel comes off.
And that’s got more relevance than you think, as Pirelli explained in its sponsorship announcement of Emirates Team New Zealand: ‘The Pirelli logo will feature on the boat and its rudders, which for the occasion will become a metaphor for the tyre. Just as the tyre, in fact, ensures a vehicle’s performance and control, so does the rudder guarantee the mastery of the vessel.’ Technically, that’s not quite how SailfisHes work, but certainly the tyres on my trailer are miserable metaphors for tyres, and I could really do with a new pair of Pirellis. Then, only on private roads of course, I reckon I might be able to top 70mph, particularly if I had four more Pirelli metaphors quite literally fitted to a brand-new Land Rover, not a metaphorical one, in return for which I’d allow #landrover to feature the Land Rover logo on the, erm, Land Rover, which is a metaphor for a very expensive way to do the school run. How’s that for product placement? That’s the sponsors sorted.
But this is just the beginning of a long road, which began way back yesterday when #CoracleTeamOverdraftBARtRoverUK set up its new headquarters in the Queen’s Head, known as #QHHQ.
Of course there are going to be challenges, and not just remembering all those social media hashtags. As Sir Ben Ainslie said in The Times: ‘The America’s Cup is sailing’s Tour de France.’ Perhaps he didn’t mean it literally, but he was right. So, just like the Kiwis in a boat named after a richer country (Emirates Team New Zealand), I’ve developed a pedestal cycle to take the grind out of #sailing. To make light work of it, mine’s got an engine in the back wheel. I’ll secure it to the boats with bungees, then when I get anywhere I can cycle to the shops. Why did no one think of that before?
But there’s more breaking news. The America’s Cup SailfisHes will be foiling. Early tests on the Maldon prom model yacht pond are promising: fitting foils to SailfisHes makes them completely uncontrollable, and impossible to get on or off their trailers. Consequently the Pirelli logo on the rudder will be visible all the time. So will the nearby Land Rover, come to think of it.
That just leaves our corporate livery and the environment. #CoracleTeamOverdraftBARtRoverUK will of course be wearing proper BMX cycle clothing, complete with helmets, like all professional Cup sailors. As for the environment and planet in general, we’ll be saving it, just like all the teams whose boats are made out of unrenewable petrochemical by-products. Here’s one of the great Twitter initiatives by a team sponsored by a 4x4 vehicle: 'This #WorldsOceanDay we are recycling ocean plastics and creating flowerpots using our solar kiln.'
However, here at #CoracleTeam OverdraftBARtRoverUK we’re going one better. After the next Cup we’ll be returning the obsolete SailfisH fleet to the roundabouts where we found them and reinstating the daffodils. This will entail doing nothing at all.
This is clearly the way forward, so if any of you billionaires want to order a SailfisH off me for your next campaign, I’ll do you as many as you like for 50 million a go. That’s a saving of at least 50 million, but not sure if that’s pounds, euros or dollars. You can afford it.
‘They may be faster, but we’ve got more hashtags...’