IN THE BEGINNING

WHEN REBECCA MANNING MADE THE DECISION TO CHANGE GENDER FROM MALE TO FEMALE IT WAS THE FIRST TIME SHE HAD BEEN TRULY HAPPY

For me the beginning of my transition was “the chat”. You know, you’ve been with a partner for a certain time and it’s “put up or shut up” time. She wanted children, a ring on the finger and a move to her home country of Australia. I wanted none of those things and just felt like we were coming to a crossroads.

However, as many of us who are trans will testify, we are great at compromise to the point of extreme sacrifice. I waited so long to transition as I was too busy trying to keep others happy. I was amazingly good at it too. So, while in our favourite pub in a small market town in Suffolk, I agreed some compromise. We would get engaged for an indefinite amount of time. If children happened by accident, that would be fine and I’d try Australia, on the condition that if it weren’t to work out, I’d come home.

Great plan, until the fifth cider went down and she said, “But you’ll have to stop that dressing thing.”

I’d told her from the start that I had a collection of frocks and gear. It almost finished the relationship before it started. This meant that I failed to look further into why I felt this way, as I knew it would upset her. It was getting harder to keep it all under wraps and, even as I said that I would try, I knew that this was it. I couldn’t. The fire had started and the smoke was pouring out of the kitchen. Pretty soon I’d be standing at that window waiting to jump.

We were both pretty drunk by the time we worked out the plan of her going back to Oz and me changing gender. It seemed so easy, like we’d just decided which route we were walking home from the pub. I had no idea what I was doing, or how I was doing it or anything. But for the first time in my life I was truly happy and knew this was right.

I started with the NHS route and my search began online with NHS Direct (now defunct, use NHS Choices). I booked in with my GP as it told me to and I took along a scrunched-up piece of paper; the print-out of my NHS Direct research findings. It explained what transsexualism is and what the doctor should do about it.

Now, a GP in a small market town in rural mid- Suffolk isn’t generally going to have encountered this condition before. They are used to diabetes, colds, flus, all sorts of rashes et al. A healthy, young Caucasian male suddenly using the words “gender dysphoria” and “transgender” isn’t perhaps what she was expecting on that particular autumn Wednesday morning. I don’t think she ever did finish that cup of tea on her desk.

Although she provided much support, the realisation is that in this journey you are mainly on your own and eventually you have to pick that date to make your change and step out the front door on your own.

My first time out as me properly was to London. I had an appointment with my private doctor and had to initiate all that planning I’ve been talking about.

It was the most nerve-racking thing I’ve done. Even now. Yes, I’d been out before and yes, I had been nervous, but the previous times I was still him.

There was still an exit, if it all went wrong, I could go back to being him and, well, that elevated that pressure. No, this time it was real. The deed poll had been done and the start of my journey had begun. In my mind it was the point of no return. Of course, this wasn’t exactly true, nothing had been set in stone, most of the paper work had not been put in place, but just as the traveller who sells up and exclaims they are off round the world isn’t committed to the trip till the plane leaves Heathrow, going back is not an option. Particularly when the courage in the conviction was so strong.

That was the early days, never being happy with how I looked, still behind all the clothes and makeup, a man. Despite what my passport and driving licence said. It took me ages to get ready, in fact this was the theme for most of the early days. Makeup, hair, clothes and shoes. It was a blooming nightmare. I could spend three hours and still not be happy with my get up.

This journey was looking tough and I was only on Day One.