‘Looking after No.1 has made everyone smile!’
It’s all too easy to put yourself last, but as these four women found, when you practise a little self-care the whole family benefits
Four women show us how the whole family benefits when you put yourself first
‘I might run a marathon next, there’s nothing stopping me’
‘Doing something purely for myself has been a revelation’
Jo Moseley, 53, from Skipton, North Yorkshire, is a practice manager for an engineering firm and lives with her son Johnny, 17. Her eldest son Henry, 21, is studying at university.
‘Five years ago I was standing in the biscuit aisle in Tesco when I suddenly burst into tears. Both of my parents were going through cancer treatment, I’d been a single mum to my two boys for many years and menopausal symptoms meant I hadn’t been sleeping well. Everything just got on top of me.
I mentioned the sleepless nights to a friend and she offered me the rowing machine she was about to take to a charity shop. I thought exercise might help me sleep better, so I gave it a go.
Exercise hadn’t been part of my life for years, and at first I could only row for 15
minutes. But I started sleeping better, so I kept it up, rowing after work until I could do nearly an hour non-stop.
MAKING IT A HABIT
I felt I was coping better because I was sleeping, but when Mum died of lymphoma just a few months later, I was devastated. We’d been so close and she’d been a brilliant gran. We all felt the loss and my sleepless nights returned.
Knowing how much the rowing had helped, I embarked on a challenge, rowing a million metres plus a marathon at the gym and raising £10,000 for the cancer charity Macmillan. It was gruelling, but the process helped me to heal and I realised how much I needed exercise.
I was keen to try different forms of exercise. I’d always loved water, so whenever I visited my dad, who lives on the coast, I’d put on my wetsuit and jump into the sea, just as I had as a girl. I did paddleboarding, bodyboarding and swimming. I fell in love with snorkelling, which is very different in the North Sea – it’s cold and you can’t see much, but you can feel yourself relaxing. Being in water is so good for your mental health.
Sometimes I’ll simply tread water, watching the gulls and the cliffs as the waves rise and fall around me. On one occasion a seal popped up very near me, which was a moment to treasure.
Last October, I started running. It took a while to build up, but it gave me a great feeling of achievement. I recently completed a 10K run and felt so proud.
When I first started exercising, my sons were a bit surprised, especially when I started going into the sea in the middle of winter. Up until then I’d been the one watching them from the side of the rugby pitch. But they soon got used to it and they’ve told me they’re proud of me.
Looking after myself has made me better at looking after everyone else and I’m convinced it’s helped me through the menopause, plus I’m much more patient.
My generation was never encouraged to look after ourselves, so doing something purely for myself has been a revelation. For my birthday last year, I asked my sons to run along the cliffs with me and I’m planning more challenges. I might run a marathon next, and I want to learn to surf.
There’s nothing stopping me.’
‘I’m the person I was born to be’
Bestselling novelist Amanda Prowse, 50, lives in Bristol with her husband Simeon, an army major. Their two sons are at university.
‘Ibelieve everyone has something nagging away inside that they know would make them happy if only they had the confidence to try. It might be climbing a mountain or travelling the world, but for me it was writing a book.
Growing up in a working class family, there were no books in our home, but I fell in love with reading when I was given a library ticket. I’d always have a book on the go, sometimes wishing I could write like that, too, other times convinced I could do better.
But people like me weren’t authors (I thought) and I ended up as a management consultant. I joined the hamster wheel of life, working full-time in a job I didn’t love but paid the bills. I had little free time to spend with family or friends. Me-time wasn’t even on my radar.
Then, aged 32, I was diagnosed with bowel cancer. I don’t dwell on it because I’ve always felt it doesn’t define me, but being ill does give you a helicopter view of your life. Once I’d got through the treatment I felt like I was given a second chance and started to think about how I was living and the person I wanted to be.
With Simeon’s support, at the age of 40, I resigned from my job and gave myself a year to write a book. I set about writing Poppy Day, based on my experiences as an army wife. Sitting with my laptop, often in my pyjamas and with tea to keep me going, I felt a sense of freedom, like I’d finally found myself.
FROM HOBBY TO CAREER
Writing ran smoothly, but our financial situation was a constant source of anxiety. I felt guilty that we couldn’t buy the boys the trainers they wanted and worried that my writing was a selfish indulgence.
But I was so proud when I finished my book and self-published it. It was well received, but I knew we couldn’t afford for me to carry on and that I’d have to get a job. Then, at a book event I’d fretted about attending because of the cost of petrol, an agent approached me. She said she loved my book and offered to represent me.
Within days I had a two-book deal and I could hardly believe it. I already had my next book in my head and when it turned out to be a bestseller I felt I could finally make it as an author. I began to write at the rate of three to four books a year and, after 10 years, I now have 20 books published, with at least another 40 formed in my head. Making money from writing is great, but finding a job I love has made a huge difference to my wellbeing. Being the anchor of the family means I’ve got to take care of myself. So, as well as writing, I make sure I spend time doing things that bring me joy. I make time for the people I love, do a bit of walking and see friends regularly – all things I used to struggle to fit into my busy life. These days I’m not afraid to do something just because it makes me happy – even if it’s watching rubbish telly in the afternoon. My welfare is a good enough reason.’ • Amanda’s latest novel is Theo: One Love, Two Stories (Head of Zeus)
‘When you find your place, you know’
Anisa Lewis, 40, lives in Ilkley, West Yorkshire, with her husband Ian and their daughter, Beatrice, nine.
‘When I look out of the window from my office at home I can see the beautiful rolling hills of the Yorkshire Dales, dotted with trees and sheep. The weather can be extreme and sometimes we’ll get rain, hail, snow and sun all in one day. But I wouldn’t change it for the world.
Our lifestyle now is very relaxed, and it couldn’t be more different to the hectic one we left behind nearly 300 miles away in the suburbs of London. When we lived there I’d leave the house with my daughter at 6.45am and be at my desk at 7am, with Beatrice eating her breakfast next to me. As head of operations for two prep schools, my work involved timetabling, communications and forward planning, as well as early years teaching. There was never enough time to get everything done. Once I’d picked Beatrice up from her after-school club, we’d rush through dinner and bedtime, then I’d sit down to work for a few more hours before falling into bed, exhausted, and doing it all again the next day. My work-life balance was non-existent.
FINDING FAMILY TIME
We never managed to do anything as a family. Ian worked unsociable hours with the Met police and weekends seemed to be filled with parties and playdates. Ian and I talked about a different lifestyle, one where we had time to breathe. But it was never the right time.
Then, over Christmas 2015, when we found time to reflect, we agreed that for the sake of my sanity we needed to move somewhere with a gentler way of life.
It was scary to give up a good job with a decent salary, but when I went back to work in January I handed in my notice, saying I would see out the school year. I had a family friend in Yorkshire and when we discovered Ian could get a job with the West Yorkshire police, we decided to go and visit in February half term.
When you find your place, you know.
‘As well as writing, I make sure I spend time doing things that bring me joy’
The Dales, the wildlife – it was calming to the soul. None of us wanted to go home.
In July 2016, we moved to Ilkley, with the famous moor on our doorstep. We went on family walks and got a dog, a cavapoo called Roxy, which proved to be a great way to meet new people. We’ve settled in and feel part of the community.
I’ve found time to do distance-learning courses and I’ve set up my own coaching business, which supports families.
Now, my day starts with a relaxed breakfast. I do some meditation, take the dog for a walk or simply sit in the garden gazing at the moor. Then I do some work and, once I’ve picked up Beatrice from school, I help her with her homework and we all have dinner together. She’s settled in and has made new friends. At weekends we explore the Dales and play board games. It’s a very chilled lifestyle, just as we hoped it would be.
Of course, I miss all my friends but they’re starting to visit now, so we can keep up the connection with our old life. I’m a much happier, calmer person.
I think I’ve finally found my home.’
anisalewis.com
‘I do some meditation, take the dog for a walk, or simply gaze at the moor’
‘You have to believe in yourself ’
Bushra Zafar, 37, lives in London with her husband Fahad and works as an administrator for a university.
‘Watching the grainy images on the monitor, I can scarcely believe that is my baby. It hardly seems real that I’m married and will soon become a mother. Less than a year ago, I’d given up all hope of ever achieving either, but as soon as I put my needs first, all the good things followed.
In December 2015, my fiancé left me months before we were due to marry. I believed I was in love. It was humiliating, and at 35 I thought my chances of marrying and having children were almost zero.
For most of my adult life I’d been overweight and had polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS), which can cause weight gain and fertility problems.
I hated the way I looked and I was very aware that I might not be able to have children, so when I got engaged I was very happy and grateful.
I ordered clothes online because I couldn’t face trying things on in the shop. But when they arrived they always looked so awful on me that I’d stuff them in my wardrobe, unable to even face sending them back. I joined a gym and went on various diets, including herbal teas, but nothing worked for me. My weight hit 16 stone.
When the wedding was off, I fell into a deep depression. It felt like I was walking in darkness and I struggled to get through the days.
I was browsing Facebook one evening to distract myself when I came across a slimming group called Drop Away. I spoke to a counsellor who was very encouraging, telling me to try it for a month and she was sure
I’d be pleased with the results.
EMBRACING THE NEW ME
Following the plan took my mind off my heartache. It involved low-carb healthy eating and supplements and wasn’t hard to follow. It gave me something to focus on and, when I lost 13lb in a month, I was amazed – it had been so easy.
From then on I stuck to the plan, the weight fell away and my depression lifted. I was full of energy, my skin was glowing and I began retrieving clothes from the back of the wardrobe that now fitted. I started getting more attention from men but I wasn’t interested, instead going on holiday with friends and socialising. I felt good and I loved the new me. I knew Fahad from work and when he asked me out I hesitated at first, keen to enjoy my new-found confidence. But we went for a coffee and I realised how kind he was and gradually fell for him. We got married last September.
When I met his sister, she said she was proud of her brother for finding someone who looked as good as I did. I couldn’t believe she was talking about me!
Last October, a month after our wedding, I took a pregnancy test and was shocked to see it was positive. I hadn’t dared hope I’d have a baby. The scans showed everything was fine and there was no sign of any ovarian cysts.
My life has changed so much since I decided to look after my body. My baby is due in July and I can’t wait. I’m proof that you should never give up.
You just have to believe in yourself.’
‘I was full of energy, my skin was glowing and clothes now fitted’