‘Kit is the same person she always was’
How would you react if your son said he wanted to live as a woman? Mum-ofthree Cath Staincliffe explains the pride – and the worry – she’s felt since her youngest child, Kit, did exactly that
How a family reacted to their son becoming a woman
Cath, 61, lives with Kit, 22, her partner Tim and their eldest daughter Ellie in Manchester.
‘It was the day of the school prom and 16-year-old Kit was a bundle of excitement and nerves. As she headed out of the door in her ruffled black dress and skyscraper heels, my heart was in my mouth. And understandably so. This is because Kit had chosen the prom, the biggest date of the school year, to show the wider world that, rather than the boys’ school uniform she’d worn each day, she actually wanted to dress as a woman. In fact, she wanted to be a woman, full stop.
Until Kit was in secondary school, I hadn’t any idea that my youngest child was anything but a “normal” boy. It’s not that I expected my kids to conform to any particular stereotype. I didn’t for a moment assume they’d all be straight, for example. But being transgender certainly didn’t cross my mind.
The realisation that Kit, who was born male but now identifies as female, was questioning her gender came slowly. The first inkling came when she was 12. I was putting some washing away in her drawers when I came across some tutus and tiaras. My partner Tim and I had always encouraged our kids – Kit, Ellie, 27, and Dan, 31 – to play make-believe and dress up, but because what I’d found was so girly, it felt different to
the dressing up as Robin Hood or
Harry Potter that we were used to.
I found it slightly amusing, but not something to joke about. I remember thinking, “Well, if that’s something Kit wants to do, that’s fine”. But at the same time, I was a little bewildered. I mentioned it to Tim, then to Kit, saying, “I found these things. Do you like dressing up like a girl?”
Kit replied that she did, but that was all she said at the time.
A couple of years later, Kit asked for clothes for a birthday present, and I realised that she meant girls’ clothes. So I began to pay for occasional outfits, like skater dresses or tops with ruffles. At that stage, Tim and I thought that Kit was getting into cross-dressing, and although I realise that other parents may react differently, I made sure that outwardly I was fine with it, because I didn’t want to give out the message that it was wrong or shameful. Of course it was an unexpected situation, but that didn’t make it bad. Like any mum, I just wanted my child to be happy.
Kit grew from a young boy into a teenager, heading out every morning in school trousers and blazer, but often dressing in girls’ clothing at home. Sometimes she’d go out dressed as a girl and would ask me and Ellie for clothes and make-up tips. Kit’s always had a great group of friends, both boys and girls, and it was wonderful and amazing to see how understanding and supportive they were. Even people from school who she barely knew backed her.
SAFETY FEARS
Her siblings have also had to adjust. I don’t think that has been hard for Ellie, who was still living at home until recently. Like us, she saw the very gradual changes in Kit and became almost used to the transformation taking place. For Daniel, who’d left home and lives abroad, I think it’s been a little harder. It’s simply been more of a surprise for him and I think that has left him a bit bewildered, which is understandable.
When Kit was 16, she began to describe herself as transgender. She said she felt happier, like her true self, as a girl. I wasn’t as shocked as you’d think, because I’d slowly been realising this was the case over the last few years. Then came the school prom when she announced that she wanted to wear a dress.
There’s so much invested in these proms these days, with the girls getting their gorgeous gowns and the boys getting their first suits, and I thought that to stand up and say, “This is who I am and this is how I want to look when I am celebrating” was incredibly brave.
But while I wholeheartedly supported Kit, the more research I did online, the more worried I became. The statistics painted a bleak picture of abuse, problems at work and mental health issues.
It’s terrifying to think that Kit is at risk of violence because of who she is. There were times – and there still are – when I’d be on tenterhooks until she got home, desperately worried for her safety. I’m a crime author and channelling some of those fears into my latest novel about a transgender girl has helped me explore my worries.
I was also concerned about telling our wider family and, in the end, I wrote to them all, giving them space to take in the news. I was proudest of my mum, who was 85, who sent me a text saying, “It makes no difference to
‘It’s terrifying to think that Kit is at risk of violence’
me. I love all your wonderful children.”
You’d think that this might have turned our family upside down, but strangely, it still feels the same. Sitting down to our Christmas dinner last year felt just like it did five or 10 years ago. Kit hasn’t changed. She’s still the person she always was, she’s just choosing to express herself as a woman.
It’s taken time to get used to describing Kit as a daughter rather than a son, and to say “she” rather than “he”. I still get it wrong, but the more I do it the easier it becomes. I don’t feel I’ve lost a son. Maybe because I’m a woman it feels fine to me that Kit wants to be one, too. I think her dad Tim has found that adjustment harder, questioning whether he’d have brought Kit up in the same rough and tumble way if he’d known what was to come.
Kit has tended to talk to me rather than her dad, and then as parents and partners we’ve talked together, doing our worrying in private. He, like me, just wants Kit to be happy, but he’s also worried about the future and the challenges Kit will face.
At 22, Kit, meanwhile, is stuck in a very difficult kind of limbo. She has been waiting over a year to see someone at the gender identity clinic, which means she is still not able to live the life she wants and isn’t able to take the next step, which may mean surgery or hormone treatment. I worry about any side effects of hormone treatment, for example, but I fully support her, hoping that whatever treatment she has will help her feel much happier with her identity.
These days, more families are going through a similar experience to us, with around 650,000 people thought to experience some degree of gender non-conformity, but I know that not all families are as willing to accept the change as we were.
Of course, it can be surprising or even shocking, but keeping calm, asking questions about anything you don’t understand and taking time to process your feelings helps. I’ve tried to take the lead from Kit, always checking about everything, from what pronoun she wants to use, to whether she was comfortable for us to tell the wider family. I also found it useful visiting online sites that had information about transgender issues and stories of transgender people and their families.
I can only go with Kit so far on this journey. I can’t protect her from all the challenges she’ll face. But what I have been able to do is continue to love her unconditionally, and to make it plain that I’m behind her every step of the way.’
The Girl In The Green Dress, by Cath Staincliffe (Constable, paperback out 5 April).
‘I’m behind Kit every step of the way’