‘I’m so proud of how our families have come together’
Emma Heatherington talks about her experience of bringing two families under one roof
One in nine of us now spends Christmas with a new partner’s children as well as our own. Yet living in a ‘blended family’ can have many effects – both positive and negative. Author Emma Heatherington, 43, reveals her experience…
My marriage ended in 2010, leaving me a single parent to Jordyn, then 14, Jade, nine, and Adam, eight. A few years later, on my birthday in 2013, I spotted a poster for a gig in Cookstown, Northern Ireland, just 10 miles away from my home in Donaghmore. It’s odd, but I remember being overwhelmed with the feeling that I should go.
After the gig, I got talking to the singer in the band, Jim Mckee. He was 43, handsome, fun and with curly hair. We got on so well we swapped numbers. He lived 200 miles away in rural County Clare, but we’d often chat on the phone. He was raising his son, Dualta, then 12, on his own after he’d split up with Dualta’s mum many years before.
We first met as families a month later, when I took the kids to visit Jim. It was awkward at first as the children were shy, but Adam and Dualta soon bonded over their shared love of football, and we ended up having a lovely weekend, going fishing and playing on the beach.
At that stage, the kids thought Jim and I were just friends but, returning home, Jim and I kept in touch and soon realised our relationship was growing into something deeper. By this time, my kids had worked it out, so there was no need to have a big sit-down chat. I think they were just happy that I was happy.
Jim and I made sure Dualta came for weekend visits to get to know me better, and we found time to do the things he liked so that he felt part of the family. Jim and I had discussed moving in together, but when I fell pregnant, it certainly sped things up! I was 38 and my eldest, Jordyn, was now 18. It felt funny to be thinking about starting again, but it also felt right and all the children seemed happy at having a new addition to the family. As
an only child, Dualta struggled more with the news. Understandably, it was a big deal being thrust into a large family.
OUR FIRST CHRISTMAS
I gave birth to Sonny in October 2014 and, seeing my three so happy with their new little brother, I felt reassured that we could all live together in harmony.
So, just before Christmas, Jim and Dualta moved in with us. It was a challenge at first in terms of space. I only had a three-bedroom house, so Adam and Dualta had to share a room, with Dualta also having to change school.
That first Christmas was so special.
Jim shared his mum’s celery soup recipe with me and, while he peeled the spuds, I bustled around the kitchen preparing dinner as we listened to Christmas songs. While we were sat eating, Jim whispered that he was so happy, and it felt like such a relief.
Gradually, though, as the novelty of living together wore off, cracks started to show. Jim and I had to adjust to new parenting styles. It was tricky at first, but with a bit of communication we found our rhythm. Privacy was also a problem, and Adam and Dualta – who were each used to having their own space – clashed. So we renovated the garage into an extra bedroom, which made a world of difference.
Now the boys spend so much time together they’re often mistaken for biological brothers.
I’m so proud of them all and when
I first heard Jade referring to Dualta as her brother, I realised how far we’d come.
This Christmas will be tougher, though, because my eldest three lost their dad last January. They used to spend a lot of time with him, and I know it will be a painful milestone for them, but Jim, Dualta and I — and little Sonny in his own way — will all be there to shower them with more love than usual.
Keeping traditions can be hard for blended families, as each family will have their own. To get round this, Jim and I have made new ones that we can share together. I bought us each a personalised decoration and, when the tree goes up, we hang them on there. We make a ceremony of it with carols playing, chocolate and glasses of Baileys for me and Jim.
‘The kids were just happy that I was happy’
CREATING TRADITIONS
Christmas morning begins with Sonny urging us to wake up immediately, with seven of us tiptoeing downstairs to see what Santa Claus has left under the tree. We go to morning mass followed by cocktails in the pub, then I cook dinner and we play games round the table. Afterwards, we take a family photo, which usually takes 17 attempts to get right. Christmas Day ends with a gathering at my dad’s, who lives on our street, where we have a sing-song, belting out classics such as Fairytale Of New York.
I’ve learned that Christmas with a blended family brings its challenges as everyone learns to adapt to new ways of sharing long-held traditions – even new cooking styles! But, over time, and with enough acceptance, patience, care and attention, new rhythms and routines will eventually kick in. And remember: no family is perfect anyway, blended or not!
• Rewrite The Stars by Emma Heatherington (Harpercollins) is out now