BEREAVEMENT & LOSS
‘Grief is like the ocean; learn to ride the waves’
Q I’ve lost friends and loved ones due to Covid and never got a chance to say goodbye. How can I come to terms with the fact that they won’t be with us this year?
Julia: The restriction on funerals meant many people were not able to say their goodbyes, even though funerals are important grieving rituals. So plan a future memorial, either at the graveside or somewhere else where you can safely gather with others. As Christmas approaches, find a way to include some of the memories and feelings you have about the person you have lost. You could light a candle, mention them in a prayer, make their favourite dish or invite others to tell a favourite story about their life.
Marilyn: I lost my own father 10 years ago at Christmas and, at times like these, I think about what those who passed away would want. Would they want you to stop participating in the world, or would they want you to seize the day and make the most of being alive? I describe grief as like the ocean: there are days of beauty and calm, and others of raging uprising and crashing waves that can overtake and engulf you. There’s no point fighting the ocean. Instead, learn the skills to ride the waves. Breathe into the feeling, remind yourself it’s okay, and decide on your next step.
Q Last Christmas, our lives were so different. After so much uncertainty this year, how can I start to feel more positive about 2021?
Julia: Focus on what you can control in your life, rather than what you can’t. When you have 10 minutes, visualise your best possible self and envision yourself in a future that is the best life you can imagine, maybe five years from now. Be as detailed as you can and experience what it’s like to feel this amazing. Revisit this technique when you’re having a bad moment, and allow those positive feelings to wash over you.
Q Travel restrictions and health concerns mean not everyone in my family will be joining us over Christmas. It won’t be the same without them here. What can I do?
Marilyn: A socially distanced Christmas can also be fun; you can still have Christmas food, speeches, a toast and even a dance-off! Our minds and imaginations are powerful, too. When engaged in an experience, the brain can’t tell the difference between memory and reality so use this to your advantage. If you have photos or video footage, immerse yourself in reliving fun times. If you’re a sensory person, buy a small sample of the perfume or aftershave of the person you are missing. Pick up the phone, or include a handwritten letter with your Christmas card, with a self-addressed envelope to encourage them to write back.