RELATIONSHIPS & PARENTING
Q Lockdown has put our marriage under severe stress. Things were said and done that we both regret. How can we put this behind us?
Sara: The important thing now is that you try to communicate better and are able to start afresh. Be gentle and explain you want to clear the air, you are open to listening to what your partner has to say and you will take it on board. Then find a good time to talk without interruption. Start on a positive note by talking about all the things you love and appreciate about each other and your relationship, and avoid blame or accusation. Apologise sincerely for things you both said, and agree to leave them in the past. Identify a few actions you can both commit to that will improve your relationship and enable you to get back on track and reignite that spark again. Commit to working on these areas for three months to give it a chance.
Q I split with my husband earlier this year and now he says he wants the children to spend Christmas Day with him. What’s fair? What should I say?
Sara: Work out a plan. If your ex-partner has them this year, then it’s fair for you to have them next year for Christmas Day. You can also create Christmas Eve, Christmas Day and Boxing Day on different dates, so you still have the magic moments with your children without feeling like you are missing out. Have the same traditions with presents and food you usually would. Father Christmas comes twice for kids with two homes! Then, if you are without them on 25 December, plan something fun for yourself, which you couldn’t have otherwise done if you had the kids.
Q I often lost my patience with my children during lockdown home-schooling
– and now they say they feel like they’re a disappointment to me.
How can I repair this damage?
Marilyn: Explain that home-schooling and lockdown presented challenges for you, which meant you didn’t handle some situations very well. Set New Year’s resolutions with them about how you want things to be in the future. Even if you spot them doing something in their schoolwork that’s not right, take a moment before jumping in, and make suggestions in a more empowering way. For example, instead of saying, ‘No, that’s wrong,’ you could say: ‘That’s an interesting way to do it. There’s an easier and quicker way. Would you like me to show you?’
These times can make us want to make big changes, but be careful about rushing into anything.