On the cover ‘Being able to laugh when things go wrong is important’ Sarah Beeny on building a home and switching off

Homes expert and presenter Sarah Beeny chats to Prima’s Jen Crothers about the highs and lows of building her dream home and being friends with her boys

Sarah lives in Somerset with her husband, Graham, and sons Billy, 16, Charlie, 15, Raffey, 12 and Laurie, 11.

BUILDING MY NEW LIFE

My husband always wanted to make the move to Somerset. He kept saying that he couldn’t imagine growing old or being retired in London. I thought London seemed like quite a good place to grow old but I suppose I just never made a big life plan. I never said, ‘Right, I’m going to live in London’.

I just sort of grew up, got a job and things happened, and I woke up one day and I was living in London – and that was okay with me. Then when we had the kids, it all became so much more complicated to move house because it would mean moving six of us. I just thought the whole thing seemed far too difficult to do.

The final push to move came when my dad had a stroke. He’d never have moved to London, as he doesn’t like it, but I wanted to be near him. So I thought if we lived in the country he’d visit us more, and we’d have loads of family around. My brother is married to my sister-in-law, Graham’s sister. They live about half an hour away, and my mother-in-law’s here, too!

My reluctance to build a house was always how long it would take.

I thought, we’ll move and the kids will all have left home by the time we’ve built our family house, and it looks like I’ll be right about that. Actually, that’s not true, because I don’t think they’re going to leave home!

My eldest son was 14 when we moved, and he’s going to be 17 when we get into the new house. I worried about that lump of time passing by, but Graham always says, ‘Children don’t

‘Graham and I are a good team. I really respect his opinion and he does make me laugh’

‘Do I have to be a parent? Can’t I just have a laugh?’

care where they live; you think they care but they couldn’t care less.’ They have a perfectly lovely time on the farm and, ultimately, the journey has been amazing for them because they’ve seen how houses are built.

The house is still a shell.

I was hoping we’d be in by Easter, but it’s looking more like summer. I think if we’d moved into a mobile home, we’d have been in quicker because we’d have needed to move faster. But the house that we’re living in is fine.

I’m really looking forward to having people over to stay when we’re finished.

That was the great thing about Rise Hall, where we used to live in Yorkshire, and I miss it a lot. Over the years, there was a whole generation of children – godchildren and relatives and friends’ kids and random other people – who came and stayed at Rise Hall because it was so big. When we sold it, there were so many children who had spent 20 years growing up there – every summer, every Easter, Christmas and New Year. We’d have 70 kids of all different ages running feral.

WHAT I’VE LEARNED

Being able to laugh when things go wrong is important. To me, a problem is just a question of ‘What’s the solution?’ A problem is a challenge, isn’t it, in a way? No problem is insurmountable. Everything’s fixable. It’s just a question of how you fix it. I quite like things that most people consider to be impossible, and I do like a challenge.

Lots of things go wrong when I’m working on a project, but I’m really good at saying, ‘Right, that’s gone wrong, how are we going to fix it? And let’s move on.’ There are only two ways to deal with disappointment. You can either wallow in it, or you can decide how to fix it. We’re not defined by our successes, we’re defined by how well we get off the floor when we’re knocked down. You don’t learn anything from things going well, it’s only when they go badly that you learn a lesson.

Undo and redo any DIY work if you don’t like it, or if it’s wrong. You have to look at it if you don’t, and you’ll really regret it. Just do it. Don’t worry, don’t prevaricate, get on with it. It’s a lesson I learned years ago, and it’s really stood the test of time for me. You can forget that it went wrong before, but you’ll never forget it if you have to look at it.

Think about who’s going to live in the house and how you’re going to live.

I think you should plan for whoever is going to live in it in five or 10 years, not right now. So, if you have a baby, don’t design a house for a baby. If you know that in 10 years’ time you might have your parents living with you, don’t just think you’ll deal with it later. Deal with it now. Build it in now because life goes by so fast that those years will have come around before you know it, and you’ll have to do it all again.

People are often fooled into thinking that open plan is the solution to happiness.

I’m not convinced that taking down every wall and living in an aircraft hangar is actually that great. In fact, for most people – even if it’s just two of you – it’s quite nice to have a space where you don’t have to see the other’s faces sometimes or hear them. It’s quite nice to be able to shut the door.

AT HOME WITH THE FAMILY

Being a mum of teenagers, I think you have fewer problems and fewer worries, but the worries that you do have are bigger. You don’t have to watch them 24/7 as you do when they’re little, but their problems take longer to work through because they’re more complex. However, conversations are really interesting; you can debate things and have discussions about politics

– that becomes a new part of life.

I have to keep reminding myself that I’m their mother and not their friend. Last night, the oldest two were in the kitchen making matchstick models and listening to jazz, but it was 10 o’clock and I needed them to go to bed. They said, ‘Oh, Mum, just chill out. Why don’t you sit down, have a glass of wine and make models with us. You’ll enjoy it.’ Every bone in my body wanted to sit with them. But then I thought, no, I must remember to be a parent and get them to go to bed. It’s really boring being a parent when they get older. Do I have to be a parent? Can’t I just have a laugh? It’s tedious.

I hate discipling my sons – and they know I hate it. So, because I hate doing it, I don’t do it and then I go ballistic. I get so frustrated because I just want them to be good without me having to tell them off, and they know I find that annoying.

It’s easier to be a really bad parent than a good one. It’s hard. Especially being a parent to teenage boys – they gang up on me. I mean, there’s lots of them and there’s only one of me. Every now and then one of them feels sorry for me and says to his brothers, ‘Listen, let’s not be so horrible to Mum.’ Thank you! My boys always say, ‘You’ll be so good with grandchildren,’ and I keep going, ‘Yeah, if I make it that far. If you haven’t killed me first!’

Graham and I are a good team. I’m not going to say it’s all wonderful all the time but I really respect his opinion and he does make me laugh. I think these are gruelling years because it’s really full-on having so many people in one space, all trying to find their own little place. We’re lucky enough, too, to have a really big support network of friends and family.

‘It’s easier to be a really bad parent than a good one’

We were arguing the other day when Graham said something brilliant to me.

He said: ‘Bearing in mind you’re not going to divorce me and I’m not going to divorce you – because I’m not prepared not to see the children all the time and neither are you – we’re going to stay married. So we can either stay married and be miserable, or we can stay married and have a laugh.’ Which is what we do. Then I thought, maybe I should stop being a cow because it’s so true. There are ups and downs – but the downs make you appreciate the ups.

IN MY OWN TIME

I’m not brilliant at switching off. But our lovely dog, Maple, a cockapoo, is the apple of our eyes and she helps me switch off. She’s always perfect and so lovely. Plus, walks in the countryside with her and being around nature helps. Gardening is good for that, too.

Exercise makes your whole life better. It makes you sleep better and think better. I’m not an exercise junkie, but I don’t tend to sit around much. I often think, ‘I must go for a run,’ but then I never get round to it. So I mean to do more exercise than I do, but I’m quite an active person. I walk, and I like running.

Looking after your mental health is hard and I know I need to look after mine better. Particularly at my stage in life – I’m 49. It’s not easy. It’s a really challenging time in anyone’s life, but particularly for women, I think. Menopause comes along and hits you. Talking is important, as is doing things that you want to do.

As you get older, you have to fight against getting stuck in your ways. You’re not always right. It’s important to remind yourself to be open to other ways of doing things and other opinions. Occasionally, I have to tell myself to shut up! You become more self assured as you age, but you have to remember that other people’s opinions are what keeps the world alive and exciting.

• Sarah Beeny is an ambassador for

The Prince’s Foundation. For more information, visit princes-foundation.org