5 STEPS TO LIVE IN HARMONY

It’s estimated that one in three UK families is ‘blended’*. Here, Alison O’mahony, founder of Bestepwise (bestepwise.co.uk), who gained a stepmother as a teenager, and then married a widower with two children, shares what she has learned.

1 There will be issues along the way. Most stepfamilies would admit there are obstacles to negotiate before a new set-up can flourish, from ex-partners to former in-laws as well as any issues a child themselves carries. Faced with these barriers, I tell step-parents to know what you can change, know what you can’t and recognise the difference.

2 Take things slowly. It’s natural to want to move forward quickly in your new life together, but rushing through change could cause problems. Instead, accept the situation and let it ‘just be’ for as long as it takes things to settle. Let time evolve, giving the family the space to move on a stage, before sweeping away old traditions.

3 Step back. Instead of finding fault with a child – which is natural, especially if they are struggling in the wake of their parents’ break-up – take a step back. Wading in with new rules or ways of doing things will build resentment. Over time, you’ll find small chinks of light, where the child wants to talk or suggests a change themselves, and that is when you can start building together.

4 Don’t fake feelings. Don’t expect to love a stepchild automatically, or in the same way as your biological children, and don’t pretend to. Children are observant and will pick up if you are faking. Instead, aim to build trust. Keep any promises you make. This will build respect and, perhaps a long way down the road, love will follow for you both.

5 Maintain a seam of independent life. Having something you do just for you, whether it’s playing tennis or having an allotment, will give you a place to escape if the going gets tough at home. This means that your happiness is not totally reliant on the happiness of family life.