Guided by grief

Thank you for a very helpful article about what to say to people when they are bereaved, in the March issue. It is so hard to know how best to approach grief, and the article was right when it said people often say nothing because they are frightened of upsetting the person – and also right in pointing out that the person can’t possibly be any more upset than they already are, so it is always best to say something.

However, I did disagree with one part of the article, where it spoke of a man who had lost his wife. He was made to feel awkward when he answered the door to sobbing friends of his wife while in the middle of a meal with other family members, where they had been laughing as they recalled happy memories of their loved one. The advice given was that people should not cry in front of the bereaved unless the bereaved person is also crying. I agree that it would make a bereaved person feel awkward and guilty if they were having a period of feeling happy in remembering the good times, and then had to deal with other people being in tears, but I’m afraid that, for me, crying is not something that can be switched on and off. If I feel very upset about something, then I simply can’t help crying – in the same way that I can’t help coughing or sneezing.

It is such a difficult and delicate situation, and people often simply react in the way that feels right to them. I don’t think any of the bereaved should be made to feel guilty about how they are feeling – whether the person who has died is a close family relative to them, or a good friend.