What can we do to encourage her to stop apologising?

Q

My three-year-old has started apologising to us a lot. She says, ‘I’m sorry’ whenever we ask something of her, even if we are not telling her off. We tell her she doesn’t need to apologise, and she will reply ‘Sorry’! We feel stuck in an apology loop daily, and feel sad for her. How can we help her?

This is common with little ones who are starting to recognise social skills and the art of to-and-fro in communication. I can understand why you feel sad hearing your child say ‘sorry’ all day long when you know she doesn’t need to apologise, and this is a golden opportunity to teach her about meaningful apologies.

Over-apologising can be a way to avoid conflict. It may be that your child is sensitive to your tone of voice, and whenever they think you might be telling them off, they apologise to keep the peace. For some children, over-apologising may also be a sign of anxiety. In both of these cases, teaching children how to meaningfully apologise (and what to say instead of ‘I am sorry’ when an apology is not needed) is the most powerful approach.

A good apology needs to do several things. It needs to name the harm done, it needs to be sincerely remorseful, and it needs to repair the harm in some way by taking steps to make amends. Try to model this when you are offering a sincere apology to others and to your child, too. So, for example, to your child this might sound like: ‘I’m sorry for shouting at you. It was wrong because it’s not okay to let my anger out on you.

In the future, I will take a moment to calm down, so I can support you better.’

Explain to your child that you do not need to say ‘I am sorry’ unless there is a good reason to make amends with someone. When you notice your child over-apologising, try to respond with a useful reflection that will help them think about how to communicate their need better. Try saying something like, ‘You want to apologise, but that’s not what you need to do right now. How else can you tell me what you need?’ Offer your child some options while they are learning to do this (for example, ‘I think you are telling me off, Mummy, and I don’t like it’).

We know children learn far more from what they see us do than from what they hear us say. Notice when you are apologising as a ‘social filler’ rather than a meaningful apology. For example, when you are running late to meet a friend, rather than saying ‘Sorry’, try, ‘Thank you for waiting for me.’

Learning to apologise genuinely helps develop empathy and accountability, and is a positive route into growing more thoughtful adults.