How can I help my child understand my difficult decision?

Q The father of my child has been in prison, and is due to be released soon. How can I talk to my child about their dad when it isn’t safe for them to have a relationship?

The job of every parent is to protect their children. If you don’t think being in a relationship with their father is safe physically or emotionally, trust yourself to create the right boundaries – with the help of professionals, if needed. However, this may not stop your child from wanting to know more about their father, or talking about them. Without knowing more about your personal circumstances, I can only share ideas based on my work with parents in the same situation, to guide your next steps:

● Don’t avoid the truth. Brushing off questions from your child creates the notion of secrets, which can foster shame, self-hatred and lack of trust. It’s okay to say their father has been to prison, but do this in a way that is factual and focuses on behaviour rather than identity. Something like: ‘People are sent to prison when they don’t obey the law. Laws are rules that tell us how people should behave’.

● When a child asks questions about an absent parent, they are often asking about themselves, too, piecing together parts of their identity. Share a photo if you have one, or retell a story you know about them that you feel safe and comfortable to talk about. Showing that you are not scared to talk about their father tells your child that you are not regretful of having them.

● Remain curious. If your child brings up the conversation, it probably means they have been thinking about it. Making sense of what is going on for them will help you know what matters and how to position yourself in the conversation (for example, are they feeling different to their peers? If so, reading books and highlighting that all families are different, and all families are whole, may be important).

● Validate their feelings. When they tell you their feelings, don’t try to minimise them. Make sure you tell your child that it’s okay for them to feel however they feel. For example, say, ‘You’re allowed to be angry with me; my job is to keep you safe and it’s hard for you not to be able to see your father’.

● Identify father figures in your child’s life. Try and have at least one father figure that you can call upon in times of need, such as Father’s Day. Having male role models around your child is vital for their development and their ability to form healthy relationships long term.

Your child is lucky to have your unconditional love and support. All children really need is one loving, committed parent. So remember that you are enough, and letting your child make sense of who their father is will not harm them. If anything, it will reassure them that they are loved and wanted by you, and that their identity is separate to their father’s.