“I met my co-parent online”
When Brendan Schulz and Tatijana Busic met on a co-parenting website, they decided to share the responsibility of raising a child – with no romantic strings attached. And they wouldn’t change a thing, they tell Cyan Turan
How two people turned to the internet to have a child – with no emotional strings attached
It was an autumn day in Toronto and Brendan Schulz was waiting nervously in a café to meet, for the first time, the woman he’d been emailing for months. But this was no traditional ‘date’: Brendan – a 44-year-old gay man – hoped Tatijana Busic, 41, would become his co-parent, the mother of his much longed-for baby. Because, like a growing number of people, Brendan and Tatijana had decided they wanted to share the duties of bringing up a child, but without a romantic attachment to their child’s other parent.
Many co-parenting partnerships start as existing friendships, but Brendan and Tatijana struggled to find a co-parent within their circles, so they turned to the internet for a solution.
Enter Modamily.com, a website that allows would-be parents to search for a suitable co-parent. Members set up a profile, outlining the kind of parenting partner they want.
IF IT SOUNDS LIKE ONLINE DATING, THAT’S BECAUSE IT IS, SAYS BRENDAN.
“I can’t remember a time when I didn’t want children. My sister and I used to pick out names for our future kids when we were young,” he laughs. “When I realised I was gay, one of my biggest fears was I’d never be a dad.” But, age 40 and just out of a four-year relationship, Brendan realised he needed to act on his dream. He’d always liked the idea of co-parenting. “I love the thought of my child knowing their mother and being connected to a wider family.”
So when he heard about Modamily, he decided he had nothing to lose. “I had been dreaming of being a parent for so long; I was in the zone. In my profile, I made it clear I was passionate about fatherhood and only interested in a 50/50 partnership. I messaged lots of women with a simple introduction. Tatijana and I quickly found each other.” Tatijana, already mum to Isadora, eight, from a previous relationship, was, at 35, single after separating from Isadora’s father. “I love motherhood, and wanted to give Isadora a sibling,” she explains. But after three years of dating, Tatijana decided to explore alternatives.
“I didn’t want to parent on my own,” she says. “I wanted my child to have two parents. I co-parent with my ex-husband and know the model works.” And so she signed up to Modamily. “It was like online dating – but with more focus on values and personality. There were lots of gay men, but I was open to that. The most important thing was they were psychologically mature and financially stable. I’d be lying if I said looks didn’t play a part, too!”
She met one man “but we didn’t have the right chemistry” and soon after, began talking to Brendan. The pair had “five or six” lengthy email exchanges in the summer of 2014. “We talked about our families, travelling, but we both knew we wouldn’t know if it could work until we met,” says Brendan. Due to travelling commitments, the pair didn’t meet until October. Of that fateful day, Brendan says: “It was strange for us both. I hadn’t dated a woman in 20 years, and Tatijana had never dated a gay man before!” When Tatijana walked in, Brendan was “amazed”. For “here was this intelligent, kind, beautiful woman who might, perhaps, want to be the mother of my baby.”
“We totally hit it off,” says Tatijana. “We were shy, but hung out for a couple of hours, talking about how
“It was like online dating – but with more focus on values and personality”
we felt, our lives, our experiences of Modamily and why we wanted children.”
What followed was a series of ‘dates’ – long walks, going to restaurants and drinking too much wine, dinners at each others’ houses – all the ingredients of a growing relationship. “We spent a year ‘courting’ each other and meeting the families,” Tatijana explains, “who were all so lovely and supportive.”
Brendan also began to get to know Isadora who, shy at first, soon warmed to her mum’s new friend. But there were important questions to answer, particularly for Brendan. “My biggest fear had been having a baby with someone who then moved to New Zealand, but Tatijana’s current separation agreement means she has to stay in Toronto,” he explains. “I also worried about a mother not wanting to let go of the baby once it was born, but Tatijana’s existing co-parenting relationship with her ex reassured me she understood how it could work. Finally, the fact she already had a daughter meant I could see she was a great mum!”
The back and forth might seem long-winded but, says Ivan Fatovic, Modamily’s founder, finding the right co-parent is harder than finding a romantic partner. Though, he says, this hasn’t deterred countless people opting for co-parenting in recent years. “Demand has been strong in New York and LA,” says Fatovic, “and I believe it’ll continue to grow in places like London…” Modamily has even launched Concierge Personal Matchmaking, to assist clients in finding co-parents.
CRUNCH TIME FOR BRENDAN AND TATIJANA
came when they agreed to write down, separately, how they each wanted to parent – from schooling to diet to religion. “Tatijana and I met to discuss our lists,” says Brendan “and that evening, we decided to go for it.”
Tatijana first tried to get pregnant in June 2015, using at-home insemination. After an early miscarriage, the pair tried again in September. On the morning Tatijana was due to take a pregnancy test, Brendan was too excited to sleep. At 6:40am, he called Tatijana, who said she’d take the test and call back. Ten minutes later, she rang to say she was pregnant. “I was overwhelmed with happiness,” Brendan remembers. “And so was Tatijana. The past miscarriage meant we tried not to get overexcited, but I drove to work with a huge smile on my face.”
The pregnancy went to plan. “Brendan was there for every appointment,” says Tatijana. “He couldn’t have been more hands-on.” Brendan also continued to build his relationship with Isadora, taking her on trips and days out.
In June 2016, Tatijana went into labour during her mother’s 60th birthday dinner. Brendan was watching a film in the cinema. “When Tatijana called, I ran out in the middle of the film,” he says. “I raced to hospital, and found her in the hallway, in her posh dress.” When their son, Milo, was born, Brendan was at Tatijana’s side.
“We were both in tears,” says Tatijana. “It was a bonding moment, for us.” Brendan agrees: “Holding my son for the first time was the most amazing feeling.”
AS PLANNED, BRENDAN MOVED INTO TATIJANA’S HOME
and both took two months off work. “I had no experience of caring for newborns,” says Brendan, “so didn’t know what to expect, but I would sit, bouncing Milo for hours. It was phenomenal to finally be a dad.” Tatijana breastfed for a month before feeding with expressed milk, meaning Brendan could do the 3am to 6am feed.
For Isadora, there was not just one new fixture in her life, but two. “Like when a single parent starts seeing someone new, there were ups and downs,” says Tatijana, “but after the transition stage, things were great.”
Two months later, Tatijana works two days a week and cares for Milo on Mondays, Thursdays and Fridays, and Brendan works three days and has him on Tuesdays and Wednesdays at Tatijana’s house, staying overnight on Tuesdays, and on Friday nights at his own house. Weekends are more flexible depending on their schedules. I say it sounds like a scheduling nightmare. Brendan laughs.
“Living out of a suitcase isn’t my first choice, but it’s logical. The inconvenience is immaterial – in terms of how we raise Milo, Tatijana and I are on the same page. We’re one family, in two households.”
Their colourful family life may sound charming, but co-parenting hasn’t been without its challenges. “Just like husbands and wives and traditional family units, there are glitches,” says Tatijana. “We work through them like married couples would – with maturity and respect.”
As our conversation draws to a close, eight-month-old Milo wakes from his nap and Brendan rushes to comfort him. While he rests his son in his arms, I marvel at the chain of events that brought him here. Brendan can’t believe it himself, and he’s excited for the future; when Milo is one, he’ll go into day care, Tatijana and Brendan will work full-time, and Milo’s care will be split 50/50.
“It’s a unique set-up. But co-parenting has been so much better than I expected,” Brendan enthuses. “I love being with Milo. He learns something new every 10 minutes. It’s fascinating, in a way it can only be with your child. My friendship with Tatijana has given me a new family, one which gathers and supports and celebrates each other.”
As for Tatijana? “My notion of what family is – what love is – has expanded exponentially. Co-parenting is the smartest thing I’ve ever done.”
“The inconvenience is immaterial… We’re one family, in two households”