I’M DEFROSTING MY BABY PLANS

Single and with no potential father in sight, Alice Mann* decided to freeze her eggs. Now, she’s taken the decision to defrost them

Three years ago, aged 37, I froze my eggs. And last week, I went back to the fertility clinic, to talk to my consultant about trying to get pregnant using those eggs and donor sperm.

My consultant said IVF using my frozen eggs will give me the best chance of getting pregnant; they are basically three years younger than me. “The older you are, the more likely your eggs are to be chromosomally abnormal,” she pointed out.

I knew this, of course – how could any woman in her late thirties not? It was part of the reason I froze my eggs in the first place. I thought freezing would buy me time, stop me feeling like every date was a potential father.

I’ve never been one of those women who cooed over babies. I always just assumed I’d have them. When, aged 33, I met my ex, I assumed I’d have them with him. Two years later, we weren’t exactly ‘trying’ but we’d stopped using contraception. Then we split up.

I didn’t decide then and there to freeze my eggs. That came a year later when I discovered he was in a new relationship. I was forced to acknowledge we were never, ever getting back together.

I WAS 36 WITH A JOB I LOVED, WONDERFUL FRIENDS, SUPPORTIVE FAMILY,

but that day, as I cried and thought about the next 40 or 50 years of my life stretching ahead of me, none of that seemed enough.

I read up on egg freezing, which sounded like the worst bits of IVF, just on your own (I’ll be honest, that’s pretty much what it is). I knew it was experimental, that it came with no guarantees, but it felt proactive, as if I was taking control of my life.

My original plan: do three cycles of egg freezing: get 20 eggs, fertilise 10 with donor sperm – because embryos tend to freeze and thaw better than eggs – and keep 10. But I got just four eggs from my first cycle. “If you meet someone, frozen embryos will be useless,” an embryologist advised me. “I’d just freeze them as eggs.” Three cycles later, I had 14 frozen eggs. Now, despite various dalliances, I’m no closer to finding the father of my child(ren). With

my 40th birthday looming, it’s time.

I’VE THOUGHT ABOUT WHAT IT WILL BE LIKE TO BE A SINGLE MOTHER.

At a kids’ birthday party, watching both parents help their twoyear-old blow out candles, I wondered whether it would always feel like I’d chosen second best – for me and my child, if I’d feel guilty, if I could be a mum and a dad. But I’ve also witnessed acrimonious exchanges between divorced parents, and exhausted mothers moaning about their partners not pulling their weight. I’m grateful I won’t have to contend with that.

At the clinic, decision made, I listened to my consultant talk me through the process. “And,” she finished, “you could be pregnant by the end of the month.”

Tears well up. Happiness? Fear that it might happen? Fear that it might not? IVF notoriously comes with no guarantees but, after three years of thinking about it, I know I want to try. e

Alice Mann blogs about her experience at Eggedonblog.com

“I knew it was experimental, that it came with no GUARANTEES, but it felt PROACTIVE”