Holidaying with the Greens
Less Globe-trotter luggage, more malfunctioning beachwear – for our columnist, summer looks nothing like it does on Instagram
Rosie Green laments the gulf between holiday aspiration and reality
I CAN WASTE HOURS ADMIRING FLAT LAYS*
of sexy bikinis, chic sunglasses and pom-pom-adorned beach baskets on Instagram. I’m a sucker for the #styleinspo of a vacay wardrobe. Truth is, holiday wardrobe prep is my crack. I spend an unconscionable amount of time dreaming of, deliberating over and spending on the annual seven-day event (which actually makes up less than 2% of the year).
Of course, post-children and pre-lottery win, my holiday experience is less private jet, more courtesy bus, which creates a yacht-sized gulf between aspirations and reality.
First up? The airport. And luggage. Naturally, I want a Globe-trotter (£1,755). I do not have one because a) that is more than my car is worth, given it is almost entirely held together by raisins, b) it might be considered de trop at Luton’s Bella Italia, and c) I feel the need to choose luggage that is lurid in colour and adorned with identifying ribbons to ensure nobody accidentally (or otherwise) picks it up. (My theory is any potential thief would be too embarrassed to be seen with a lime-green wheelie covered in ‘keep off’ stickers.)
On the plane I smugly bring out the carefully curated toiletry bag of oils, masks and moisturisers that are vital – vital – to ward off dehydration and airborne germs, and to aid relaxation. When collating such a hoard, I choose to ignore the fact such products are probably only necessary for actresses who fly regularly on the red eye from LA to NYC and not so much of a requirement for the two-and-a-half-hour trip to Faro. Hmm.
Anyhow, there is zero time to ‘maskimise’, because I am too busy placating the man sitting next to us, who has been drenched by an arc of Ribena. It originated from the straw in a carton that was placed (unwisely we can now agree) in the seat pocket in front of my daughter. This carton was accidentally squeezed by my right knee as I rummaged in my bag for my de-stress aromatherapy roller ball. Little did I anticipate how necessary that product would be.
This distraction is probably a good thing because, while A-listers can get away with a Scream-style sheet mask in first-class, on Easyjet, I’m sure I’d get carted off faster than you can say ‘United Airlines passenger Dr David Dao’.
UPON ARRIVAL AT OUR HOLIDAY DESTINATION,
I feel somewhat deflated witnessing the olive-skinned, immaculately coordinated European families frolic on the beach. I realise that despite having dyed myself orange and completed a rigorous programme of body brushing, I still look nothing like Jennifer Aniston. As the sun climbs the sky, I slather SPF 1500 on the whole family, meaning we look like lard-coated channel swimmers. At this point I’m grateful to have purchased a bikini with built-in breasts to boost my spirits (bonus, it also acts as a buoyancy aid). I look over to see AM limping back from the beach bar. He finds holiday footwear challenging. Flip-flops are a source of agony till he has hardened his skin to the between-the-toe chaffing. Trainers are too hot, deck shoes too Sloaney and on him, loafers without socks look less
Tinie Tempah, more Dave Cameron. Unlike me, AM has done zero holiday wardrobe prep and has had the same trunks since 2004. As a result, the drawstring has ceased to function and everyone poolside is treated to a moony every time he dives in. Meanwhile, the children do not look like extras from the Boden catalogue as I’d hoped – they have eschewed anything chic and insist on outfits from well-known style emporiums Sports Direct (him), and the Disney Store (her). Their clothes are united in the absence of natural fibres. As for me, despite bringing out nine evening outfits, I’ve worn the same thing every.single.night. I have, therefore, imposed a social-media blackout. In fact, the only flat lay I do is face down on the bed post-excessive rosé consumption.
Join the conversation on Twitter @Rosiegreenbq @Redmagdaily and on Instagram @Lifesrosie
“I’m grateful to have purchased a BIKINI with built-in breasts to boost my SPIRITS”