Ask Philippa

A reader is worried how to explain to her son that his father doesn’t want to know him. Tell the truth with empathy, says Philippa Perry, psychotherapist and Red’s agony aunt

Our agony aunt tackles your issues

I was single with three children who all have good relationships with their respective dads. Then, five years ago, I met someone online. We fell in love quickly, formed great relationships with each other’s children, and we’d talk often and at length about how and when we would live together and have our own child. He had a terrible relationship with his ex wife.

I fell pregnant, and assumed he’d be happy, although it was unplanned. But he was angry, convinced I’d fallen pregnant on purpose, and wanted me to get a termination.

We rowed and didn’t speak for weeks. Then we got back together, said we loved each other… then we argued again. This went on for months. Things were fine if I didn’t mention the pregnancy.

I last saw him at 36 weeks. He said he adored me. But he wouldn’t touch or bear to look at ‘the bump’. We rowed, and he told me never to contact him again. He didn’t come to the birth and has not replied since. Later I found out he had got back with his ex wife.

The baby is nearly three, and his father has never seen him. My hurt passed a long time ago and I don’t want money. My son is loved beyond measure by his siblings and by me but I am dreading things like him being asked to make a Father’s Day card in nursery and having to explain why he hasn’t got a daddy like his siblings have. I have no idea what to say and how to say it in a way that won’t break his heart or make him feel rejected or unwanted. Please help! Name and address withheld

I think you are right to be concerned what to tell your son. If I was in your position, I would be too. It is as though your ex has made up some story to himself, that if he never sees his son, he will not exist to him. And that he can pretend this momentous, significant wondrous, vital, exciting new life is nothing, is insignificant to him – in fact, isn’t really there. I find it astounding just how often men do this with a child. They seem to think, I didn’t want that baby to be born, therefore it doesn’t exist, instead of thinking, there is another life here that I will have a profound effect upon, whether I acknowledge it or not.

When we are children, some of us tend to think we are half mum and half dad. So when dad isn’t there, we are very curious about him. And if he has a reputation of being ‘bad’, there is no guarantee that we won’t come to believe that half of us must be so, too.

The only thing I can think of for you to do, is to tell the truth. That’s all you have. Tell the truth without judging your ex (unlike I have just done!), give your son the facts and try to answer all his questions. He may feel it isn’t fair that his siblings have dads and he hasn’t. You can empathise with him, say no it isn’t fair and you feel sorry for him.

With regards to Father’s Day cards, prepare your son before it happens, and ask the teacher to be sensitive. That’s the best we can ever do, preparing the child for the situation and the situation for the child, although sometimes it will still mean they are hurt.

We want to make our children’s lives pain-free, worry-free and we certainly don’t want them suffering because we were unlucky with our choice of partner. But no life will be without angst, unsolved mystery, longing and loss. What makes such pain bearable is if someone is alongside us and with us when we feel it. I have no doubt you will do this very well indeed for your son.

You sound like a thoughtful and loving mother. I am not as worried about how your son will feel about himself in the future as I would be if you were trying to brush off the absence of his dad. You know it may matter to him and that is the important thing here.