Ask Philippa

A reader is worried her mother’s non-stop talking is coming between them. It’s hard, but it’s time to accept the dynamic of your relationship has changed says Philippa Perry, psychotherapist and Red’s agony aunt

QMy brother and I enjoy a loving relationship with our parents who are in their eighties. They are fit, happy, healthy and have a busy social life. They love their children and grandchildren. However, over the past five years it has become increasingly hard to visit them even for a day as our mum’s compulsive talking is so draining and leaves us feeling unheard. It’s like being machine-gunned with long drawn-out stories, which have already been detailed many times before. i find she dominates all general conversation. I have often visited and been almost silent as it’s impossible to join in. She is kind and loving and we don’t want to hurt her feelings, but it has got to the point where we no longer really want to visit for more than a few hours, which is silly as we both live over an hour away. We want to enjoy normal reciprocal conversation with her as we once did, but it’s become impossible. What can we do? Name and address withheld

AI really felt for you as I read your letter. It seems the part of your mum which once knew how to have a dialogue, rather than a monologue, to make you feel seen and heard, which is such a valuable part of being a parent, is deteriorating. I wonder how your dad feels about it? He is with her every day, so may not have noticed this as a change in the way you and your brother have. This change in conversational habits may also be a sign of dementia. You might want to speak to a specialist about this to find out more*.

I think if you felt that she could understand the feedback of, “Mum, I feel batted away when you just talk and talk and don’t seem to take any notice of what I say”, you wouldn’t be writing to me – you’d say it without having to think about it, but a part of you knows there isn’t much point in saying it and if she could even hear what you said, she might only be hurt.

I wonder if there is anxiety creeping in about the future for her so she is avoiding any sort of meaningful conversation? Whatever the cause for the loss of her reciprocity, I feel the less painful way of coping with it, is to expect it and accept it. I’m glad you have a sibling you can mourn (and moan!) with about this.

There comes a time in most of our lives when we stop being the child of our parents and become the parent of our parents. The parents may or may not, depending on how they age, be aware of this. It is a necessary step to accept, but it can be hard for all parties.

Give your mum a jolly good listening to whenever you can and expect it to be tedious. The least painful way through it is to surrender to it. I had a similar experience with my own (now late) father. He also lived too far away for casual short visits. Sometimes the only way I could cope was to stay at the local cheap chain hotel rather than with him to give myself a break. I felt ashamed at the time that

I felt I had to do this, but with hindsight, it was good I did what I could to look after myself so that I could stand to be with him for longer. If there is no space when you are with someone to have your own thoughts, you sometimes must create it for yourself.

If I could package strength and tolerance, love and support in a box, I would send a great big one to you and your brother.