ASK PHILIPPA

A reader is doubting her parenting skills. Trust yourself, you really are the best mother for your daughter, says Philippa Perry, psychotherapist and agony aunt

Our agony aunt tackles your issues

QMy daughter is 18-months-old and I often worry that I’m not a good parent and get stuff wrong.

I’m about to have two nights apart from her for the first time and my heart is breaking, but I’m also looking forward to it. I feel constantly pulled like this – adoring her and wanting to run away from her. Specifically though, I need advice on tantrums. She often throws herself on the floor, protesting against everything I ask her to do and she does it more in public than at home. If we’re out, I move her away from other people, sit by her, pat her back and give her a cuddle, which she likes. I worry that I’m not being firm enough and some days it feels like everything is a battle. A I don’t think it is your daughter you want to run away from, so much as the feelings she brings up in you. When our children whine, cry, scream and shout and their feelings seem so raw and real, what it touches within us is our own vulnerability. We seem to have a bodily memory of when we felt so dependent and desperate, and we don’t want those feelings stirred. I like the way you’re taking her feelings seriously, and

I’m guessing you don’t have much confidence that you’re doing the right thing because perhaps this was not done for you?

Our children may be screaming because they can’t have an ice cream before lunch, or swim in every public fountain and, compared to our own grievances and worries, which seem far more serious to us, their concerns look unimportant. This means we can be in danger of dismissing their feelings, but just because the contents of our respective worries are different, it does not make their feelings less real than ours. It sounds to me like you’re accepting how she feels and you are soothing her. I think had this been done to you, had your primal feelings been taken seriously at the same age, you would not be finding it as difficult as you do.

Remember, this is just a phase. She’ll learn to tolerate frustration as we all do, with time, your acceptance and closeness to her will make it easier for her to do this. Because you accept her moods, she will accept herself. If we learn that we are unacceptable because of how we are treated at this stage, it can be a component to later depression.

As she has tantrums more in public, my guess would be that she becomes over-stimulated with more going on around her. As adults, we can easily shut out the noises and sights that are irrelevant to what we are doing, but children take time to learn that skill. It may be that you fear being judged by others in those situations, too, so concentrate less on her. I found that when my daughter was the same age as yours, that if I was in a rush and had too much to do, she was more likely to find it all too much. I had to slow down, be flexible about non-urgent plans and allow her to get out of her pushchair and toddle about if that’s what she needed to do. I also had to give her a five-minute warning, then a one-minute warning of any changes so they didn’t shock her.

Thinking in terms of winning and losing, or ‘good’ or ‘bad’, is unhelpful. You’re both on the same side, you both want her to be content. Parenting is never smooth and it sounds like you’re negotiating it well. I want to give you a hug and reassure you that you are the best possible mother for her.