HOW TO FIND A REAL RELATIONSHIP IN A DIGITAL WORLD
Joanna Coles shares her dating tips
Even when you know you want to find love, it's sometimes difficult to give yourself permission to start the search. Often there’s a sense that we are somehow supposed to intuit how to find a partner; we’re not taught to think of our relationships with the same pragmatism we might treat getting fit or securing a promotion. But our relationships are the connective tissue that runs throughout our lives… we thrive when we love and when we are loved back, so why don’t we take our search for it seriously? Ask yourself: ‘what do I want?’ If the answer is love, a relationship, possibly children, know it and own it.
There are more opportunities to get a date than ever and we’re au fait with the gamut of dating apps, but dating is about treating love with focus and planning, just as we would our career ambitions, health and family. If you do want a relationship where you can talk confidently about having a future as part of a couple, don't be afraid to admit it, and try these tips to get started...
1 TRACK THE DATA
Buy a dedicated notebook, keep a love journal and become your own data analytics expert. If you’re dating, you may have found yourself in a cycle of excitement and disappointment, but by understanding the patterns and themes that crop up, you’ll be in a more powerful position to change things. Record how you found your last date. How did you feel before, during, and after? What kind of a person was he? Did you need to self-medicate with two glasses of wine? Did you have sex afterwards? How did you feel the next day?
Over time, these reports will be revelatory. If, in the process of journalling, you see things in yourself that you don’t like, work on them. A diary is a place for self-reflection, where you can write things that are frightening or make you seem unappealing without judgment.
2 DO A FRIENDSHIP CLEANSE
Our friendships are the stuff of life, but negative ones don’t necessarily help in the romantic space. They can thrive on your drama. Friends can get jealous or insist they know what’s best for you. If they are making you feel drained or insecure, don’t include them in your quest for love.
3 REIMAGINE DATING APPS AS A WAY OF MEETING MORE PEOPLE, NOT ‘THE ONE’
Just like the Fitbit you bought hoping it would deliver abs, dating apps aren’t solutions, but tools in your arsenal to find someone. They are best understood as ‘introducing tools’ which will help you locate potential partners, but only you can figure out which ones are worth meeting. Their real power is in how they create the possibility of meeting people already on the margins of your world whom you might otherwise miss connecting with. Expanding your social circle in this way is one of the best things you can do to find love.
4 LIVE A BIG LIFE
Go to the salsa class, the networking drinks, the party you’re dreading. If you have a big life, are reading good books, and looking after other people, you will meet people. Switch off your phone, and be alert to small, human interactions in coffee shop queues or IT helpdesks. Never substitute a real interaction for a digital interaction. They are not the same quality; we are fools if we think they are.
5 USE THE BEST-SUITED APP
Bumble gives women more power. Happn shows you people you have a daily, physical pattern with, and Hinge uses your Facebook friends. Use two to three apps at a time. Then, if you are struggling to write the first message, cook up your signature opening line and engage in a quick-fire round of questions: first concert, favourite boxset, death-row meal? These small, fun things will give you a sense of whether or not the person plays at the same speed as you, then…
6 SPEAK ON THE PHONE
Don’t waste 250 messages getting to this point. Live conversations give you a stronger sense of whether or not this is a person you want to spend time with, so call them. This is about using your psychological detective skills to preserve your emotional energy and precious time. Don’t build up false expectations via witty repartee online, then find yourself disappointed when face-to-face.
7 GO ON TWO DATES A WEEK
…and schedule them with steadfastness: kickboxing on Tuesday, Happn on Thursday, yoga Friday morning, Tinder Saturday night. Dates don’t need to be dinners. Instead, do something together: a comedy show gives you something to laugh about. If you take a walk around the park and your date is a dud, at least you’ve exercised. When following-up, forget the rules. If you want to follow-up and say, ‘I had the best time,’ that’s fine; you don’t have to wait three days in an attempt to seem cool. Remember, most people don’t experience instant chemistry or love at first sight – give it a chance, even if you don’t think there’s a spark straight away.
8 DON’T OVERSHARE
Oversharing with friends is one barrier to firming up a new relationship. Often, you’ll describe what’s happened on a date as a jokey anecdote and it’ll take on a different narrative to what actually went down. It’s difficult to row back. At the beginning, protect new relationships you think might move forward. You wouldn’t put a sapling in the middle of a hurricane (the hurricane being your friends’ judgment) and expect it to survive. It’s ok to quietly grow something of real value.
9 KNOW YOUR SEXUAL VALUES
It’s disappointing to have bad sex with a good person, confusing to have good sex with a bad person, and depressing to have bad sex with a bad person. The goal is to have good sex with a good person. Before you begin instructing your partner what feels good, you have to know it yourself. If you can live with an open relationship then you should have an open relationship. If you’re someone that needs a loyal and trusting partner, make that clear.
10 SEEK KIND PARTNERS, AND BE KIND YOURSELF
Kind and nice do not necessarily equal boring. No one wants to be with someone they think might treat them badly, or date someone who says one thing and does another. It’s not sustainable and will drive you crazy. We idealise obsessive love, but it’s exhausting. Bad boys are not the answer.