ASK PHILIPPA

Our agony aunt tackles your issues

QI feel panicked when I meet new people, which triggers my social anxiety. I wish I could talk to people more, but I always worry about what they think of me, or if I’m interesting enough, which means I can’t relax. Because of this, I didn’t see anyone for a while and my friends eventually got tired of me. They probably think I’m making up some excuse or trying to get attention (someone has accused me of this). I want to enjoy life, but these days my anxiety feels worse. But I’m hopeful, and I know I can get better and be better.

AIt sounds like you feel shy because building friendships is so important to you that you are scared of making a mistake. But you don’t have to get things right – no one gets things right all the time. You are allowed to get the wrong end of the stick, not get the joke or say something inappropriate, because no relationship goes smoothly.

What matters is your warmth, interest in others and your good intentions.

There is no shame in doing things for attention, we all need it sometimes – although I think you were probably not seeking it when you withdrew. The remark you received has me wondering if you concentrate too much on mean people. Mean people are such a challenge, but they are not who you need as friends, nor are they in the majority, so don’t imagine they are.

If you are fantasising about what other people think of you, make that fantasy a good one. You have the power to control that vision. If you imagine walking into a room and you’re thinking, ‘I’m going to be boring, no one wants to talk to me,’ your body language will shrink you, you will look down and disappear.

But if you change the fantasy so that everyone, including you, is interesting and keen to make friends, then you will make eye contact, smile and look eager to get to know people. I still have to remind myself to use this trick – even the most apparently confident of us experience shyness.

It’s not your job to be interesting. An experiment was carried out at a party in which an unknown actor playing a guest asked 15 people questions but revealed no personal information. When asked afterwards what they thought of the actor, all the guests said the same thing: ‘fascinating’. So, if you show your interest in other people, they will find you fascinating.

However, it will take a while to get out of the habit of picturing the worst when imagining what others think of you. Notice yourself doing it, but don’t pay attention to the negative conclusions you come to. You might still feel frightened, but you can go for what you want in spite of this fear. Go out there and make your mistakes. Someone who never made a mistake never made anything – including a friend.

I was at an awards ceremony once as someone’s guest, and it was rather intimidating because she was whisked off and I was left alone. Then a very well-known actress came up to me and said, ‘Do you mind if I stand with you? I don’t know anyone.’ I thought that if such a public figure can say things like that, then so can I, and so can you.

Everyone else looks so confident, but experiment with sharing how you feel and I bet you will find someone who feels like you do, no matter how confident they look.

Me, for instance! You are right, you can get better at this, and you will.