HOW TO BE A GOOD FRIEND

Busy Philipps reveals her tips for a successful friendship

About a year and a half ago I began to notice that people had started asking the same questions when I would give an interview or appear on a red carpet, ‘Tell us how you maintain such a close friendship in Hollywood? You are #BFFGOALS! What’s the secret?!’ They were mostly referring to my somewhat (okay, very) public best friendship with actress Michelle Williams, who I met while filming Dawson’s Creek when we were 21 years old. I understand some of the fascination, especially with our friendship in particular. Michelle is known as being a very serious actor and has been nominated for multiple Academy Awards, her public persona is very quiet, thoughtful and private.

And here I am, this loud, brassy actress known mostly for roles in TV comedies and now for sharing everything in my life on Instagram. But the truth is, M and I have more in common than not. And like any relationship, the best ones are the ones where you’re just different enough in order to pull the best out of one another. The question has always irked me a bit (not just because I find hashtag anything annoying) and continues to do so, by the way, because there’s no sign of reporters ceasing to ask it. What’s so difficult for people to understand about two women having a long-standing close relationship? Why is it the subject of so many questions? Is it simply as superficial as people’s idea that everything in Hollywood is fake, therefore two actresses couldn’t possibly be real friends? Maybe. But that interpretation always feels a bit sexist to me when I’m asked to answer for my ability to be a friend. Like two woman can’t possibly work in the same industry and be real friends. The underlying implication always feels like our culture (via reporters for online gossip publications) is sending the message that it’s impossible for two women working in the same industry to maintain a long friendship because, you know, jealousy, cat fights, competition, blah blah blah. It bores me to death.

Michelle is certainly my most famous BFF, but she’s not my only one. One of my BFFS, Emily BB, and I have been best friends since we were five. Another has been a close friend since high school. I have a few girl friends that I’ve become BFFS with in the last five years, but I know we’re friended for life. Having long-standing best friendships with women has never been something I’ve struggled with, but maybe it is something other women struggle with. So, if you’re someone who’s like, ‘I don’t get how people have best friends for longer than a few years, what’s the secret?’ Keep reading. There are some obvious tips, like text and call back in a timely manner, send songs or albums you think your BFF would like, respond to their social media if that’s something that’s important to them (I have one friend who, quite literally, keeps track of likes. No joke). But here are my three top tips for maintaining a long-lasting best friendship:

NUMBER ONE No one is perfect. You and your long-term friends will inevitably go through many phases together. Sometimes those phases aren’t the best ones. Such as if your friend has had a particularly bad break-up and she only wants to talk about that and isn’t asking you any questions about what’s going on with you or your life. You might start to feel like saying to her, ‘Ugh. I can’t hang out with you any more and hear about Jeremy’s new girlfriend and what it means that she watched your Instagram Stories last night!’ Or maybe your friend gets super into Insane Clown Posse or tries a new intense ‘fashun lewk’. Listen! Your job as a friend is to not judge and just be there for your friend until the phase passes, in a buddha-esque way. You can, of course, give yourself some self-care and get some space if you need to, but make sure your friend knows you’re still there whenever she needs you, because phases do pass. Sometimes it takes a long time. Look, Emily BB and I were barely friends for three years in high school when I decided I was a raver, but eventually I came out on the other side of that horrible trend and Emily BB was still there – my BFF since I was five.

NUMBER TWO You aren’t perfect, either. You will fuck up and be a bad friend. When you do, you have to immediately admit your wrongdoing and apologise. Now is not the time to bring up the fact that you were there for her Insane Clown Posse phase that you were there for. Now is the time where you say, ‘I’m so sorry. I know I hurt your feelings and

I was inconsiderate. I love you and hurting you is the last thing I want to do. I hope you’ll let me buy you a Soul-cycle class and that you’ll forgive me.’

NUMBER THREE As life goes on and you become crazier with your jobs, significant others (then husbands or wives) and children and life, make sure you carve out special time for your friends. And not just a generic ‘girls’ night’ with a bunch of ladies where you drink too much pinot. While those are amazing, that’s not what I’m talking about. I mean specific activities where you connect with your friend one on one, especially as people move to different cities and you maybe only get a chance to see each other once or twice a year.

I do different things with different BFFS. Michelle and I like to do museum or spa days together. Emily BB and I go to Coachella together every year. My BFF Christine and I vacation with our families in the summer. My BFF Sarah and I work out together. My BFF Irene and I drink tequila together. And

I feel really connected to all of them.

So, there – that’s my advice and a few of the things that have helped me become the best BFF I can be.

It’s kind of like a romantic relationship – you just have to find yourself a girl you love and make it work. There’s no real secret. It’s just love and compassion and understanding and fun. You too can be #BFFGOALS.

‘MAKE SURE YOU CARVE OUT TIME FOR YOUR FRIENDS’