HOW TO BE SOCIABLE Tips on getting out more from Jennie Agg
(when you don’t feel like it)
It’s a grey Saturday afternoon and I’m in a seminar room in central London, having just told a stranger my innermost fears. In return, he reveals his secrets. We’re not allowed to comment on what the other says; we don’t have to empathise or offer advice, we simply respond with something sensitive from our own lives. This is an exercise called ‘vulnerability tennis’, and we’re doing it as part of a How To Be Sociable class, hosted by The School Of Life. If I’d known it would involve this, I might not have made it through the door.
So why am I here? Well, I certainly lean towards quiet and socially awkward. I’ve often felt like the designated bore that other guests at a party are keen to ditch; their eyes flickering before announcing they’re ‘just nipping to the loo’ or – the old pro’s trick – ‘should we be mingling,
do you think? Lovely to chat’, before disappearing. But there are signs that we could all use a few tips on how to enjoy socialising more. When Viktor & Rolf sent a frothy purple dress emblazoned with ‘Sorry I’m late, I didn’t want to come’ down the catwalk at Paris Fashion Week, it went viral. The resounding response in a chorus of Instagram memes was: It me! It us!
Whether it’s staying in as an act of #selfcare or revelling in so-called JOMO (joy of missing out), why are we apparently so keen to rejoice in our anti-sociability? Spending time with the people we love is not meant to be a chore, after all. And yet, it seems to have become one.
The average working week in the UK is 42 hours and 18 minutes – the longest in Europe. And commutes are getting longer, too, according to last year’s TUC figures. Meanwhile, women have less free time for socialising than
Why do we celebrate being unsociable? Jennie Agg learns how to make going out less of a chore
men, with an average of five fewer hours of leisure time a week, according to the Office for National Statistics. Also, compared with previous generations, our friends are more likely to be scattered across different cities or even countries. During the course introduction, our tutor says something that ignites a spark of recognition: when we’re having to make so much effort to see our friends, if we don’t connect properly when we finally meet up, it allows a sense of dissatisfaction, even rejection, to build. It’s what you might call the New Year’s Eve paradox: the more we plan for an event, the greater the pressure to have a good time and the bigger the inevitable let-down.
Social anxiety boils down to the fear of what clinical psychologist Dr Ellen Hendriksen terms The Reveal. What makes us anxious in social situations is that some perceived flaw – something we dislike about our appearance, lack of social skills or some bigger part of our personality – will be obvious to others unless we work hard to hide it. Ironically, the less we socialise and the lonelier we feel, the more pronounced this fear may become. So can we really learn to enjoy socialising more? Here’s what I found out…